Having a gay friend sleep over--are we off base?

[gobluem82]

DD is 18 and asked if one of her male friends can sleep over tonight after their play rehearsal. He is 16, a nice kid, and openly gay. We don't have a problem with him sleeping over but told DD we wanted him to sleep in our spare room. DD is really put off by this and wants him to sleep in her room the same way one of her girlfriends would. I know that nothing would be going on, but are we wrong in making this request?

[PurplePotato]

I guess that depends on how sure you are he's gay and not bi.

Or how sure you are that all of her girlfriends are straight.

[Canice]

Were you able to articulate to her why you thought it would be inappropriate for him to share her room?

[jmarie]

How about. Hey, we don't feel comfortable with this and y'all can hang around till bed time, but then its off to separate rooms you go. And no more conversation about it. It's hard being parents, sometimes.

[LeaHamm]

You're the Mother. It's your house. - You get to make the decisions!

[gobluem82]

Crisis averted--we were able to come up with a compromise where they're both going to sleep in sleeping bags in the living room instead. We're the first to admit that our initial decision on this wasn't necessarily rooted in logic, but both DH and I felt the same way. Everyone's happy now, and I'm making chocolate bread for them for breakfast

[Beth]

DH and I tell our boys the same thing we both heard in law school -- it's not just impropriety, but even the appearance of impropriety that matters. Would it matter if he is gay if one of them says something to friends or at school about them being in her bedroom one night. Not everyone who hears or overhears that kind of comment might know him or even who the he is and she could get hurt about the tramp/slut talk that buzzes around. A compromise sounds like a reasonable way to approach the situation, but I'd still caution them to consider what they say and where they say it.

[wallycat]

Happy to hear there is a compromise.
I do agree it is your house; your rules, but if DD is 18, in theory, can do anything, anywhere, with anyone.....
I am sure you raised her right and am sure it would have been a no-big-deal either way.

[PurplePotato]

Glad the situation was resolved so everyone is comfortable.

I do believe that in your home you make the rules. But man, some scenarios just push the limits of logic, don't they?

For the record, I'm not sure what my answer would have been if I were the parent. There's no logical reason they can't share a room. But different genders and one 18 and one under... those two things would make me pause and think. And I'm not sure everyone's sexual orientation is set in stone in high school.

[gobluem82]

Thanks for everyone's input. It certainly isn't a situation that my parents ever would have envisioned dealing with!

[Lurker1999]

Happy to hear there is a compromise.
I do agree it is your house; your rules, but if DD is 18, in theory, can do anything, anywhere, with anyone.....
I am sure you raised her right and am sure it would have been a no-big-deal either way.

She may be able to do anything, with anyone, but the anywhere part isn't correct. She can't have sex in the middle of the street and in anyone's house, their rules are their rules. Just because drinking alcohol is legal or smoking cigarettes is legal, doesn't mean I have to allow anyone to do either in my house. Regardless of their age.

We are in the "it's your house, you make the rules" camp. Doesn't matter who likes them. Respect for your wishes in YOUR house is what's important.

[Lurker1999]

Another important point no one mentioned is the fact that the young man is underage and your daughter is "of age". All it would take is for him to be mad at her for something and he could potentially claim some kind of inappropriateness. Those are things people go to jail for. Especially if the tables are turned and the boy is 18 and the girl is 16. Not something that in our opinion would be worth the risk, no matter how "nice" the young man seemed, or how much you "trust" your daughter's judgement.

[PurplePotato]

Another important point no one mentioned is the fact that the young man is underage and your daughter is "of age". All it would take is for him to be mad at her for something and he could potentially claim some kind of inappropriateness. Those are things people go to jail for. Especially if the tables are turned and the boy is 18 and the girl is 16. Not something that in our opinion would be worth the risk, no matter how "nice" the young man seemed, or how much you "trust" your daughter's judgement.

Glad the situation was resolved so everyone is comfortable.

I do believe that in your home you make the rules. But man, some scenarios just push the limits of logic, don't they?

For the record, I'm not sure what my answer would have been if I were the parent. There's no logical reason they can't share a room. But different genders and one 18 and one under... those two things would make me pause and think. And I'm not sure everyone's sexual orientation is set in stone in high school.

[Robyncz]

She may be able to do anything, with anyone, but the anywhere part isn't correct. She can't have sex in the middle of the street and in anyone's house, their rules are their rules. Just because drinking alcohol is legal or smoking cigarettes is legal, doesn't mean I have to allow anyone to do either in my house. Regardless of their age.

We are in the "it's your house, you make the rules" camp. Doesn't matter who likes them. Respect for your wishes in YOUR house is what's important.

That's certainly one way to parent, but it's not the only way. I think Canice's question early on was an important one: Can you articulate your reasons for not wanting to let this happen? Personally, I find that in the cases I'm not able to articulate my reasons, I often don't really have any. And I'm not a parent who uses rules as power plays to show I'm in charge. My mother, was though.

When I was 15 I wanted to ask a boy to the Sadie Hawkins dance and my mother forbid it. Because he was black. She argued that she didn't have a problem with it (bullsh1t!), but she worried what others would think of me because white girls who "went with" black boys were considered "loose."

I wasn't "loose" and her thinking was decades out of date. But it was "her house and her rules" so I did not ask him. My mother was completely wrong. I knew it then and I know it now. And it completely changed the way I see my mother. It also made me realize that in her mind, what other people thought about me was more important than what I thought about me--or than what she knew to be true.

Goblue, in my opinion, coming to a compromise that made sense to all of you was the best thing you could have done. I hope your daughter enjoyed her time with her friend.