DH's Weight

[Leisa M]

I know he will have to WANT to do something but how can I help him?

DH just went to the Dr. for a rash on his leg. When they weighed him he was 339. He knows he needs to lose weight and says he wants to, but he isn't trying too hard. What can I do, say or cook to help him?

I want him to be around for a few more years. He just turned 51 today.

HELP!!

[wallycat]

I feel your pain....my dh's weight is fine, but he eats too much food that's got empty calories.
I've used science, begging, not buying it, not serving it, "by example" and simple reason....still no luck.

You are right...they have to want to be ready to do it for themselves. Has his doctor tried to explain the health ramifications? Maybe a shock like pre-diabetes or having to go on a medication for hypertension or something may help him realize it...

I'll be anxious to see what others say...
I guess it's no different then any of us being ready to make changes.

[CompassRose]

Nothing. Nothing you can do. Even those who know ALL the health ramifications, and know exactly what they should be doing to lose through both diet and exercise, and whose father, five uncles and grandfather all died of massive heart failure before the age of sixty... AND who work in the health and fitness industry, fer the love of pete...

do not do those things. And get portlier. And moan about it, especially when buying new pants -- but apparently do not care enough to give up Timbits and Reese Bites by the family-size pack.

All I do, which seems to work as far as it does (A.'s blowouts do not happen in the home) is always be supportive of any efforts, no matter how feeble, in the right direction. I don't nag or even "remind" him of the health issues or anything like that -- my experience with that, with weight or anything else, is that coming from someone else, it's just annoying. (And gets one's back up.) I mean, it's not like we don't know!

I make sure that there's always healthy food/snacks/meals around (no excuse to go out and get a bag full of smaller bags of junk because there's "nothing to eat"). And when A. does resolve to change his ways (part of his trouble, I think, is that he's an all-or-nothing guy. Eat the doughnut, and the day's over; might as well eat the Whole Thing. If he's "on", it's brown rice, tofu and lentils, and no seasoning. Ugh.)... anyway, when he's full of resolve, I do whatever I can to encourage it, from dragging him out to exercise with me in the mornings to cooking him food with whatever the exact ratio of protein/carbs/fat/fibre he's decided is the Answer this time.

But, yeah. The bottom line is, if he doesn't want to change, nothing will permanently work.

[TerriS]

There's not much you can do.
My DH was the same way. He'd go to the doctor, get told he was obese, complain about how gross he felt, everything. But he'd still go out to eat and make horrible choices.
What happened for us is that I decided I wasn't happy with gaining a couple of pounds every year and feeling frumpy and joined Weight Watchers. I told him I needed his support and that he was welcome to join me but he didn't have to. He didn't. But god bless him, he eats whatever I put in front of him. That helped him a little as he saw what I was eating. When he realized that I was having real success he asked me to "teach" him the program. I did and he lost 80 pounds - went from 255 (at 5'10) to about 185. He looks incredible. He is so happy. He ran a ten-mile race last spring. His quality of life is so much better. And the best thing is that we did it together. (I lost 25 pounds and feel fabulous.) But he absolutely had to come to it on his own.

SO, what you can do is make sure there is nothing but healthy food in the house. NO junk food. Nobody needs it, nobody. Do active things together. My DH and I hike and go for bike rides and we love it. Walks are great too. Just start doing active things (if you don't already) and ask him to join you. We have so much fun.

I found ways to make indulgent snacks for DH, like chocolate muffins made with fiber one to make them just 1 point, and stuff like that. We started buying Pria bars because they're just 2 points and have a lot of nutrition. So he doesn't feel deprived. We have ice cream almost every night - just the lowfat kind that is 2 points a serving. I think if he didn't have the option of having his ice cream every night he never would have survived. But he made it!

Good luck.

[Leisa M]

Thanks for all your words of encouragement., Keep them comingplease. Are there any recipes that any of you have had success in getting your DH to eat. When we go grocery shopping, I have a list (no cookies on it since I can make them), guess what he puts in the cart . How do I break his "impulse buy of junk food"? I don't do junk food, pops, etc.

He has to have his fix of Dr. Pepper every day so... But Pralines, Oreos, etc. I know need to go. What do I do, break his fingers!?

[tbb113]

Have you thought of leaving him home when you grocery shop? That way if he wanted it, he would have to make a separate trip by himself to get his fix. You might also suggest the low-fat version (but still check the labels, they usually have a lot of sugar).

How about if you make it a challenge with a really cool reward for either change in habit or actual weight loss? Most men I know are real competitive!

[sharris315]

When i read your post about "We..." in the grocery store, I thought, WELL, SHE NEEDS TO JUST LEAVE HIM AT HOME! Then in the next post, tbb said exactly that! When I was dealing with a teen who did not understand how miserable she would be if...I cut every calorie I could out of all I made--hopefully not at the expense of taste, but I just felt that every little bit helped the cause.

Try to find lower calorie snacks that will be acceptable, and I bet he'll eat the healthier ones rather than packing off to the grocery store. By the way, there are some excellent ice creams that weigh in at 100 cal per 1/2 cup--Publix brand (lite) is my fav. I tried not to bake at home--and I always had liked doing that--but felt at that time, it was defeating the goal of slimming down my kitchen. I tried to find/make things that were equally tasty, but weren't empty calories. If he has a serious sweet tooth, you have work ahead!

As far as menus go, try CL and other "lite" cookbooks. Not everything great to eat has to be really fattening. Just be aware of calories per serving.

If YOU start exercising--just maybe a walk in the evening (that gets gradually longer over time)--and ask him to keep you company, that would be a beginning. A reward as tbb suggested is a really good idea, too.

I agree that, in the end, HE has got to decide to do this--but you can do everything you can UNTIL he does...That's what you do when you care about someone.

Good luck

Shar

[Pico]

I completely understand the frustration of trying to convince the family to eat well. I can make an interesting and healthy meal that 4 out of 5 members enjoy... and DB sniffs in disgust and asks if we can have sloppy Joe's the next day. Or I'll go the grocery store and buy produce, whole grains, etc. and the next day the pantry will be full of Doritos and Wonderbread. It really irks me, but I still try! Well, I suppose they usually let me eat what I want...

[Leisa M]

One of my problems is "I'm going out with the guys after work for drinks honey". Which is where he is right now.

How do I get across to him that there are problems with that: 1) empty calories means more weight, 2) Out too late and can't walk at night /won't walk in the AM.

Anyone have an answer to that??

I think he feels that he has to keep up with the guys in his office (who are all younger). HE is the oldest.

[lorilei]

This is going to sound like the simplest piece of advice... and maybe it will seem useless.

But can you TALK frankly to him?

I know that there are varying degrees of communication in relationships. And I happen to be in a relationship where we talk about things, discuss things, and truly SHARE our experiences. So, I see this as being the most effective "treatment".

My DH and I have had many discussions about food/eating/exercise/health. And we make decisions together about how we can best move towards healthier choices. DH was a dyed-in-the-wool junk food addict when we got married. But together, we becan cutting out the junk and replacing it with fruits and vegetables. These days, he's just as happy to have a veggie burger as his dinner as he is a steak. It just took time. And communication.

Allow him to tell you what HE needs. Maybe he'll tell you things that can help you help him. I'd also be frank about your concerns for him. I have a feeling you'll be surprised by the results.

[Jessica]

Originally posted by wallycat

I've used science, begging, not buying it, not serving it, "by example" and simple reason....still no luck.

Same here. I've even tried guilt..."I want us to grow old together, etc."

My DH is not obese but he has put on a good 30 lb since college and his doctor has said he should lose a little and definitely should not gain more. He happily eats what I serve but takes the tiniest portions of veggies and larger portions of any protein or starch. I do make only healthy things and I have limited my baking to once a month, but he eats many meals away from home and I cannot do anything about that. He goes running a few times a week and he started doing that after I began working out--it took a couple of years so maybe in a few years he will start eating better.

Just from experience, I think the "by example" works the best of all the strategies.

[Kayaksoup]

I told my DBF that I wanted to quit smoking and get in shape and eat healthier, but I could only do it if he helped me. that worked like a charm. And once he started to lose weight, he got interested in his own health. He still makes occaisional bad choices(usually involving red meat and butter) but he cares more. And I told him my fear that I am going to outlive him by fifty years. That helps him keep focused on being healthy.

[Leisa M]

My problem is that my dad lays the guilt on ME, that DH is overweight. DH's boss is taking him out to eat today for helping him move some office equipment this last weekend. OK, but he goes out to eat or drink with the guys a lot.

When I do have something to send for lunch, he does eat it but we are strapped for cash right now.

I do try to cook at home (CL recipes mostly), but he has a tendency of deciding he wants something else instead and throwing off what I planned for dinner. I have a Mexican casserole from CL that I thawed out. I tell him I am going to cook this tonight, about 2 he calles an says "I want to do this tonight instead" (ARGGGG). I would eat it without him, but this is one of his favs...

I feel like if I say anything he will think/feel I am nagging, which won't work with him. If I do say something he says something like "I know I need to lose the weight OK".

Thanks for letting me coe here to vent.

[sneezles]

OK, he definitely needs some training!!! No way my DH would get away with calling at 2:00 to change the menu (unless of course he was cooking... ).
How tall is your DH? My oldest son is 6'5" and weighs in at 300 but a lot of it is muscle so he doesn't look like he weighs that much. So knowing his height might give a better perspective as to how much he should weigh...
Maybe you should just ask your dad not to talk about DH's weight. Remind him that he is an adult and makes his own choices you are his wife not his keeper. Either that or just nodd and then ignore...
There are men who really don't understand the consequences until something happens. Unless you could get the doctor to require or insist that he lose weight I think you'll just make yourself more frustrated.

But you really do need to change this habit of ordering dinner at 2:00pm!!!

[MrsReber]

Wow, I agree with Sneezles on the training! I am solely responsible for cooking dinner so we tend to eat what I make. I work full time, too, so I will give DH a couple of choices each day and he tells me which one he'd prefer. At first, he was very picky about me using 1% milk or low fat sour cream. Now he proudly tells people that I cook healthy foods that taste great. Cancer runs in DH's family, however, so he is very good about drinking enough water and eating lots of fruits and vegetables. And DH is far from overweight. He's tall and thin. He is very concerned about feeling good and being able to do thing that he loves. It's still a challenge for me to get him to follow up with regular testing for cancer, though. I really worry about that. His dad died from colon cancer at 42, his uncle died last October from cancer and 2 of his sisters have battled breast cancer. That was enough for him to want to eat healthy.

I was very overweight myself at one time. My family told me for years that I needed to lose weight. I lost it when it was the right time for me. I mostly just cut out high calorie junk and started exercising. The biggest turning point was when I saw how easy it was to lose that first 10 pounds. It came off like nothing and I was kicking myself for not doing it sooner. For some reason, the more weight you have to lose, the easier it comes off. The first 15 pounds went away like nothing. Seeing those results really inspired me and made me want to do better. Maybe if you can just get him on the right track to lose the first little bit of weight, he'll be inspired to follow through on his own?

[Leisa M]

DH is 6'2" He is not muscular like your son Sneezles. Even mowing the lawn is a chore for him. He has to sit down and rest for a while.

He sweats almost constantly, is that normal? Or is that because of the weight? He doesn't have to be doing much of anything. Just getting dressed can cause him to sweat.

He does drink a lot of water though. I worry about some of his habits (not good ones) because they remind me of his brother who died. His brother was younger than DH. That shook him up for a while, but...

[TamiKnight]

Leisa, you've had lots of good advice, and I have nothing to add to it. However, I did want to share a resource with you. Two or three years ago, CL did a feature called "Man with a Pan" featuring Don Mauer. He has written a couple of books, "A Guy's Guide to Great Eating" and "Lean and Lovin' It" which feature male-friendly recipes which have been stripped of fat and extra calories. I've made several things and found them all to be very good. That might be a place to start with preparing meals that appeal to the "guy" in your DH.

[Leisa M]

Originally posted by TamiKnight
Leisa, you've had lots of good advice, and I have nothing to add to it. However, I did want to share a resource with you. Two or three years ago, CL did a feature called "Man with a Pan" featuring Don Mauer. He has written a couple of books, "A Guy's Guide to Great Eating" and "Lean and Lovin' It" which feature male-friendly recipes which have been stripped of fat and extra calories. I've made several things and found them all to be very good. That might be a place to start with preparing meals that appeal to the "guy" in your DH.

I remember that article. what mag was it in? Also, does he have a website?

[TamiKnight]

Unfortunately, I don't remember which issue of Cooking Light it was in, and I don't know about a website.

I found a link to some of his weekly columns.

Here's a link to an article that features a few recipes.

A link to the Daily Herald's listing of Don Mauer recipes.

A link to Hollywood Gym with a few more.

If you go to a search engine and put in "Don Mauer," you'll come up with a fairly lengthy list. Most of the sites have a couple or three recipes. I didn't find a complete website, but I didn't have very long to look. Good luck!

[sneezles]

Originally posted by Leisa M
DH is 6'2" He is not muscular like your son Sneezles. Even mowing the lawn is a chore for him. He has to sit down and rest for a while.

He sweats almost constantly, is that normal? Or is that because of the weight? He doesn't have to be doing much of anything. Just getting dressed can cause him to sweat.

No sweating like this is not normal! Sweating with little or no exertion is called Hyperhidrosis and while there are many different causes, obesity is a main one. Stress triggers the sweat glands and being obese causes the body extreme stress.
I can't believe your DH's doctor wasn't more adamant about him losing weight!!!

You need to talk very seriously with him about his lifestyle. Tell him in order to play (with the guys at the office, drinking, etc) he has to pay. The choice of how he pays is up to him:
1) Improve diet and exercise
2) Die
It's harsh but usually the truth is! Your DH and I are the same age and I know from first hand experience how difficult it is to change old habits, admit your not as young as you used to be, commit change!I now eat healthy but it doesn't exclude the occasional dessert or beer or glass of wine. I also workout 5-6 days a week and have never felt better.

I hope that you can talk to him and that he will understand where you're coming from!

[Leisa M]

Originally posted by sneezles


No sweating like this is not normal! Sweating with little or no exertion is called Hyperhidrosis and while there are many different causes, obesity is a main one. Stress triggers the sweat glands and being obese causes the body extreme stress.
I can't believe your DH's doctor wasn't more adamant about him losing weight!!!

You need to talk very seriously with him about his lifestyle. Tell him in order to play (with the guys at the office, drinking, etc) he has to pay. The choice of how he pays is up to him:
1) Improve diet and exercise
2) Die
It's harsh but usually the truth is! Your DH and I are the same age and I know from first hand experience how difficult it is to change old habits, admit your not as young as you used to be, commit change!I now eat healthy but it doesn't exclude the occasional dessert or beer or glass of wine. I also workout 5-6 days a week and have never felt better.

I hope that you can talk to him and that he will understand where you're coming from!

Thanks Sneezels. I will give talking to him another shot. I just hope it sinks in this time. My folks are coming this weekend and I know my dad is going to say something about DH's weight to me.

I cringe when we go to a rest. and DH sees an overweight person, he actually makes fun of them (to me). He doesn't see that he is as bad (if not worse) than them.

[tbb113]

Originally posted by Leisa M


I cringe when we go to a rest. and DH sees an overweight person, he actually makes fun of them (to me). He doesn't see that he is as bad (if not worse) than them.

Leisa:

Speaking as someone who just recently left the living in the land of denial and did something about my weight...has your husband seen recent pictures of himself? Sometimes what you see in the mirror isn't the same as what you see in pictures. If he doesn't see that he needs to lose weight for health reasons, can you appeal to a sense of vanity?

[Valerie226]

there was another book called "Don't eat your heart out" by a guy with an italian name. like Joe Piscobo or something. popular a few years ago, with sort of a guy- to- guy approach. the Dean Ornish books are surprisingly readable but that may be too much for someone in denial about having any problem.

At 51 and 339 I will bet the ranch that he has things that will not be A-OK on a routine physical exam. BP and cholesterol to name two. blood sugar? there are others like liver function tests that can get elevated because of fatty infiltration of the liver. How long since he has had a routine physical? including routine blood testing and an EKG? sweating when doing minor activity is worrisome. granted he is overweight and it's a hot summer but it still should be checked out. He needs an exercise program but he needs a complete physical first. Do you go to the same doctor? could you schedule an appointment for him or for both of you? I will bet his doc has been leaning on him to get some testing done and he is ignoring it.

I agree with some of the others, leave him home when it's time to shop.

another tactic is to take some pictures. just casual pics, like him and the kids, him and the dog, or him and a couple coworkers. Lots of times people delude themselves into denying reality, but the camera doesn't lie. don't point anything out (people hate to be told things they already know) but make sure he sees the pics. He may be willing to address an appearance issue before a "health" issue.

Edited to say I did a search for Don Mauer. there are several threads from august and september 2002. I didn't read them all but they were pretty positive.

[Leisa M]

Originally posted by Valerie226
there was another book called "Don't eat your heart out" by a guy with an italian name. like Joe Piscobo or something. popular a few years ago, with sort of a guy- to- guy approach. the Dean Ornish books are surprisingly readable but that may be too much for someone in denial about having any problem.

At 51 and 339 I will bet the ranch that he has things that will not be A-OK on a routine physical exam. BP and cholesterol to name two. blood sugar? there are others like liver function tests that can get elevated because of fatty infiltration of the liver. How long since he has had a routine physical? including routine blood testing and an EKG? sweating when doing minor activity is worrisome. granted he is overweight and it's a hot summer but it still should be checked out. He needs an exercise program but he needs a complete physical first. Do you go to the same doctor? could you schedule an appointment for him or for both of you? I will bet his doc has been leaning on him to get some testing done and he is ignoring it.

I agree with some of the others, leave him home when it's time to shop.

another tactic is to take some pictures. just casual pics, like him and the kids, him and the dog, or him and a couple coworkers. Lots of times people delude themselves into denying reality, but the camera doesn't lie. don't point anything out (people hate to be told things they already know) but make sure he sees the pics. He may be willing to address an appearance issue before a "health" issue.

Valerie, he had a complete physical just a few months ago (a year), so I know he is OK on everything they tested. He was borderline diabetic which I worry about because his mom was diabetic.

I will have to start trying to leave him home when I shop. It is just that he doesn't like me driving. He has seen pics of himself (once he was on the bed with the dog (on his back) and I took pics. He was not too impressed (called himself a whale ).

He hates to be in holiday pics etc...so pics don't seem to work.

[greysangel]

I don't think it's that he doesn't see himself as better than the people he's pointing a finger at in a restaurant....ever hear of "a good awfence is better than a defense?" It's probably him sort of deflecting in his mind attention from himself. While I don't think I ever made comments about heavy people when I was heavier, I certainly "weighed them up" in my mind. And when I was at my heaviest, I NEVER wanted to see me at size 32 and for the most part had a visual at around size 18..big difference So when I saw others, the mental dialogue was 'oh I'm not *that* bad', when in fact in most cases I was worse!

As far as the dilemma I can just give you some ((((((((((HUGS)))))))) and hope that the lightbulb will go off for him. DH is one of those blessed people that weighs 160 in winter and 155 in summer...no matter what he eats. For the most part he eats well though. I can't control the rare beer and nights out with the boys, or the occasional hotdog he gets from a vendor. He also usually has Pringles around the house, but for the most part eats a sandwich for lunch every day with a yogurt drink and whatever I cook at night. He chooses one meal a week, and though he shops with me he's not prone to pick out junk. He will choose something greasier or fattier when we go out to eat which isn't too often. However, I still worry about his health. He does ZERO exercise and he only gets veggies in at dinnertime, and it's not much. Fruit is on the weekends when I'm around to suggest it to him

In the end, it's got to come from him. No amount of coaxing, guilting, example making is going to convince him to do something he doesn't want to do.

((((((((((((((Leisa)))))))))))

JeAnne

ps if you cook, you should be calling the shots on the menu!!! Just MO The only time DH gets to change plans at the last minute is when he's treating me to a night out!

[Gail]

I think that there are times when no matter how much we want to help, the truth of the matter is that we CAN'T until a person is ready to be helped. I say this out of experience, having once told my husband to start nagging me if I put on too much weight.

Well, I did and he did as he was told-- and succeeded only in annoying me to the point where I found myself ignoring him and dreading mealtimes, when I knew he'd start in again. And it wasn't so much that we were talking about flab around the middle, it's that my husband (also 51, by the way) has been an athlete his entire life and worries about the ailments which come about with a lack of physical activity. He worries about my family's history of diabetes, cancer, heart disease and so forth, so it's doubly important for me to take care of myself.

I will tell you that from the point of view of the person needing reprogramming that we KNOW we have health issues and we KNOW we need to do something about them. For some reason, we just don't take the bull by the horns and ACT. If you've already spoken to your husband and voiced your concerns about his health and longevity, it's likely that he's already heard you. Unfortunately, it's going to take more than just words to make him listen. Perhaps it will hit home when friends or relatives begin suffering from health issues or when someone who's just his age is felled by a disorder hubby thinks of as only happening to "old people." Perhaps it won't hit home till he hears it from his doctor himself. Perhaps one day he'll have enough of all the sweating over the slightest little exertion. Or perhaps a lightbulb with flash over his head one morning when he's getting dressed for work and he'll take a long, hard look at himself in the mirror. The straw that ultimately breaks the camel's back is different for each of us; I can't answer that question any more than anyone else really can.

So what can you do in the meantime? Phone his doctor to enlist his support and voice your concerns. Stick to your guns insofar as meal plans are concerned. Try to feed him the things you know he should be eating, even if they're not his favorites. (He can STILL eat those favorites, but less frequently, and less of them.) Keep him away from junk-- or if you can't, at least try to reinforce moderation. If he's going to go out with his buddies, ask him if maybe he can nurse a drink along, instead of ordering more. He doesn't have to stop living entirely. He needs to take less of everything. And get the body moving. Don't nag or do anything which may make him stubbornly react against you. Walk WITH him. Go to the gym with him. Tell him you love him.

Good luck.

[Valerie226]

that's not long ago for a physical unless he gained a lot in the last year, assuming it was a complete physical. You may be able to enlist your doctor's help. he may be willing to give you a referral to a dietitian as a way to prevent the pre- diabetes from progressing. diabetes is a very expensive disease to manage & some insurance will pay for preventative actions. the doc may have said more to your husband than DH has admitted. the important thing is not to make you the "bad guy" in all this. He's an adult & if he gets input from several health professions, books, sees pics of himself,and you do what you can to make meals "light" at home then you may have pretty much maxed out on what you can contribute. ( I didn't ask, but I'm really hoping he's not a smoker)
If he's sweating a lot on minor activity I still would worry about pushing him into any strenuous exercise. (even if he were willing). Do you do regular exercise of some kind? sometimes keeping your mouth shut and setting a good example works. but ( the ugly truth) there are lots of people who won't change without a drastic health issue, and even with something drastic some STILL won't change . others, sometimes the ones you think are the least likely to change, will suddenly reorder their entire life!.
I wish you luck with this, but it's his problem & you can't make it your problem.

[Leisa M]

Thank God no DH isn't a smoker. Thanks for giving me a place to come and rant "cry" about this issue. He would totally freak if he knew about this thread (I haven't told him).

Thank you for all the info and peptalks. I will try to keep you posted.

[Jessica]

Hang in there, Leisa. You can set a wonderful example and your DH still won't change until he is ready.

((((Leisa)))))

[RebeccaT]

Hi Leisa,

Everyone here has given you great advice... but I wanted you to know that I feel your pain. And I know that it truly is painful to watch someone you love basically self-destruct. He may not be on drugs, he may not be an alcoholic, but he is destroying his health and it's so very hard to watch.

My younger brother is around the same height, and probably about the same weight as your DH. He is 26 years old, he sweats constantly, he has angry red stretch marks on his belly and arms. He gets out of breath climbing the stairs in my house when he visits. It absolutely, positively kills me. And while he knows that he needs to lose weight, his idea of "doing something about it" means that he orders a baked potato instead of fries with his Wendy's Double Cheeseburger. I keep telling myself that it's better than nothing, that at least he is trying to make better choices. And his personality is totally different than mine - I want to confront, he wants to retreat and pretend that there's no elephant in the room.

And yet there's nothing I can do. I go crazy, feeling like I am an enabler by not saying anything, but that's not the case. I encouraged him when he said he joined a gym (no word yet on whether he's actually going). I serve him healthy food when he comes to visit. I try to be an example, tell him what I have learned about nutrition and healthy eating from this BB and other sources (not that he listens... I tend to revert into "big sister know-it-all" mode around him, and he reverts into "little brother tune-it-all-out" mode. But sometimes we can communicate like adults).

Sorry for venting, Leisa, this is your thread. I didn't want to hijack it. But I did want you to know that I totally and completely understand. ((((Leisa))))