ISO Advice from Older Moms

**Jessica** · 10-09-2003, 01:28 PM

OK, DH and I are thinking about trying to conceive in the spring. We haven't told very many people about this and don't really intend to spread the word until I am actually pregnant, but some of the reaction I've received is very negative due to my age. I am 32 and would be 33 or 34 when this baby is born, assuming I can get pregnant. That doesn't strike me as ridiculously old and we just weren't ready to have kids any earlier.

Has anyone had their first baby around that age? I know I am in a slightly higher-risk category for some problems, but is it THAT strange to have a child at my age?

I'd appreciate any insight. tnx.

**MrsReber** · 10-09-2003, 01:32 PM

"Old"?!?! Surely, your not serious?!!? I was 30 when I got pregnant and 31 when I had my first. I was pregnant again soon after and gave birth to my second at 32 (almost 33). That is hardly old by today's standards and I wouldn't worry about it. The doctor may send you for more tests if you are over the age of 35, but there are millions of women who give birth to children in their late 30's and early 40's who haven't had problems at all. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Anyone who is giving you negative feedback is obviously not very well informed. You need to be healthy. 33-34 is still relatively young. There are plenty of women who had troubles having children in their 20's. As long as you are in good health, I see no reason why you shouldn't have a healthy child. My step mother was 33 when she had her first and 38 when she had her second. No problems. I have a friend whose mother was 50 when she had her! I wouldn't intentionally try it myself at that age, but it can be done!

**Terri-Lynn** · 10-09-2003, 01:35 PM

My goal was always to start my family at 30, and I am now 36 with a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I did not experience anything out of the ordinary during pregnancy and had no problems with conception after 30 as well.

Good luck!

Terri

**slknight** · 10-09-2003, 01:39 PM

No, I really don't think it's that old. I turned 33 in March, and had Alex a month later.

In fact, most of my friends who are having their first are either my age or older.

**Beth H** · 10-09-2003, 01:47 PM

OK, DH and I are thinking about trying to conceive in the spring. We haven't told very many people about this and don't really intend to spread the word until I am actually pregnant, but some of the reaction I've received is very negative due to my age. I am 32 and would be 33 or 34 when this baby is born, assuming I can get pregnant. That doesn't strike me as ridiculously old and we just weren't ready to have kids any earlier.

I'm 33 and my DH and are I trying as well. All of my college friends (same age) have just had their first children within the last year or two. Most of these friends have not had difficulties conceiving, and in fact they all conceived faster than they thought they would.

Here's a link to a recent article in the NY Times that actually discusses how unusual it is in New York for women to have children in their early twenties (the author of this piece is 24):

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/10/05/fashion/05VIEW.html

My DH and I have been married for seven, going on eight years. I think my friends and family all believe that we dislike children or something. As you said, we just weren't ready before now, and I'm not really sure we are ready now.

**wallycat** · 10-09-2003, 01:48 PM

I don't have kids but my mom was 36. No drugs or anything and I am a twin (fraternal)...and this was waaaaaaaaaaaay back in the late 50's

Good luck !!

**lhall** · 10-09-2003, 01:49 PM

That's not that old.

I was 29 when I had my first (I did want one before I turned 30) and 32 when I had my second. I didn't have any problems at all.

Leigh

**funnybone** · 10-09-2003, 01:55 PM

OLD? You've got to be kidding. Okay so I was younger when I had mine - my first was born when I was 27, but I had already been married for 5 years. So many people wait well into their thirties to start families. I don't think there is a magic age. Sure as you get older it gets harder to conceive (or so they say) but you have to do what is right for YOU.

**heide** · 10-09-2003, 02:09 PM

Jessica, I've been thinking about this lots, myself, because I'm almost 35 (in 3 weeks) and DH and I are thinking of trying to conceive next year too, so I'll be at least 36 when I have my first child. Anyway, everything I've read or heard is that age related problems don't really hit until after age 35, so at 33 you really are still pretty young.

At this point, don't start worrying about things that really shouldn't apply at your age. In addition, any true age related concerns you have, you should share with your doctor. For reassurance, at the very least. Those who are telling you you're too old at 33 are uninformed. You should be fine.

**Terrytx** · 10-09-2003, 02:14 PM

another "old" Mom here. My 3rd DS was born when I was 34 anf the last DS was born when I was 37. I had absolutely no problems at all, and they were and are happy, healthy children.

**Gail** · 10-09-2003, 02:24 PM

So what do you need to know? I was 37 when I had my one-and-only. A friend of mine (same age) gave birth to her second within a few months of mine. Another two friends had their first children at 38-- another friend was about to turn forty...

Is it strange to have a child at your age? What's strange about choosing motherhood when you feel you're ready?

I remember only one comment about my age, which frankly I thought was amusing. It came from a 21-year-old, who was also pregnant and heard to be discussing my condition with a co-worker. "But she's so OLD..." she protested, as though it was the weirdest thing she'd ever heard of in her life. I figured she simply hadn't lived long enough to have heard anything weirder.

**ReneeV** · 10-09-2003, 02:24 PM

Hi Jessica,

I had my first at 34 and my second at 36. I had some problems with the first which were NOT age related. I had pre-eclampsia, but everything turned out fine! He's a healthy, happy 6 year old now. No problems at all with my 2nd.

Early thirties is still a very healthy age for children. Increases in age related problems really don't get serious until after age 40. The increase in problems between age 25 and 35 is miniscule.

Hope this helps,

**SueK** · 10-09-2003, 02:33 PM

Well, I'm 38 years old and about to have my 2nd one in 4 days (or less). And this pregnancy went MUCH more smoothly than the first one, when I was 31. Difficulty conceiving this time wasn't an issue either, as this was a complete surprise to us.

So, although age is certainly a factor in everything, it doesn't mean you'll have a rough time of it if you're "older". (I sure don't consider you to be older at only 32!)

**sharris315** · 10-09-2003, 02:59 PM

A friend just delivered TWINS--5 lbs each--about a week ago...Everybody is doing great. (SHE IS 36

)

I was 36--no problems. If you're healthy, being over thirty is no problem. It sure changes your life, though.

Shar

**RunnerKim** · 10-09-2003, 03:36 PM

I'll chime in with the your not old to be having kids. I thought for sure you'd be at least 40 to be making a comment like that. I was a month shy of 30 when I had Lainey (who's now a year). Now is when my contemporaries are having their kids (college roommate just had her first a couple of weeks ago). As a demographic trend - child bearing is happening later. I doubt your doctor would even mention age as a concern at this point.

Kim

**clairea** · 10-09-2003, 03:58 PM

Another vote that you are not old! I had DS at 27 and DD at 29, but now I am younger than the moms of all their friends, and my friends who are around my age (33) are mostly just starting to have kids. It seems like most people didn't even consider having kids until they were at least 30, and I actually get a fair number of comments that is is strange that we had kids so young

. When I was pregnant with DD ,there was another pregnant woman in my office who was 45, and her pregnancy was actually much smoother than mine (which had several complications).

Claire

**Jessica** · 10-09-2003, 04:09 PM

I must be living in some alternate universe. Most of my friends (the ones who plan to have kids) had their children in their mid to late 20s. The ones who didn't only waited because they were not yet married. People just seem to assume that DH and I don't want children--we've been together 11 years and married 4.

I am glad to hear this is not some sort of strange thing.

**badunnin** · 10-09-2003, 04:19 PM

Just butting in to say oldER ladies, oldER, not old.

**jrichards** · 10-09-2003, 04:23 PM

I don't think it's strange. However, I'm 32, have been married for over 6 years, and have zero desire to have kids yet. All my friends are on baby #1 or #2 already.

In general, I have found the same type of reaction though. Why aren't you having kids? Do you have fertility issues? Do you not like children? Are you having marital problems? You've been married for a long time to have no kids! You should get started - kids take a lot of energy. You should think about babies soon, you're age is getting up there and you could have problems. Didn't you know your risks increase for pregnancy problems as you get older? SO ON AND SO ON! It gets frustrating. Total strangers will ask me these things (like when I'm on an airplane). My friends know my position and stance and don't pressure me (as does my family). However, general acquantainces and co-workers are also all guilty of the comments above.

BethH - is it possible to copy/paste the NY Times text, or email it to me? I couldn't access it and am interested.

Thanks!

Jennifer

**Canice** · 10-09-2003, 05:47 PM

OK, yes I know I live in an "alternate universe" but I have to say that I never knew anyone who had a baby in her 20s. OK, I can think of...two. 33 would be on the young side in fact - most seem to have their first in their later 30s or early 40s and no one seems to care. My mom had me at 40 (hehe, BIG surprise for her!) and that was considered off the charts crazy...back in the 1960s.

**mst** · 10-09-2003, 08:40 PM

Thanks everyone. I really needed this thread.

I have been really stressed about getting pregnant. I work with kids for a living, my nieces and nephews are a HUGE priority, and I am in a really happy marriage. However, I just haven't felt ready. I panicked earlier this week when I realized that even if I got pregnant now, I will be 30 when I deliver! So, I really appreciate knowing that some of you waited a while until you were ready.

I am just afraid that I will never be "ready" and that I just need to take the plunge!

**kermit** · 10-09-2003, 09:17 PM

yep you are definitely not old you're at the perfect age to start a family! I just had my first at 31 & have been going to a couple different "mom's groups" (because none of my close friends have had kids yet) & I was surprised to find I'm among the youngest of the moms around here! good luck to you !

Jennifer

**ellamay** · 10-09-2003, 09:33 PM

I can't believe people are telling you that's too old! Around here I would say that's the average age for people having kids. I really don't know anyone who is planning on having kids before 30.

The right age is when you are ready. Don't let anyone tell you differently!

**Meg O'C** · 10-10-2003, 05:07 AM

I will be 32 in two months and DH and I are still trying (over a year and half into this process). We are seeing a fertility specialist and did manage to get pregnant with his help last spring but I miscarried. Anyway, at this rate I will be at least 32 maybe 33 when I deliver my first (I am assuming we get pregnant again in the next few months!). It's older than I had planned but I still don't think of it as "old." By the way, nor does our specialist think your early 30's is old to be trying to conceive. We've always talked about having two or three kids (hopefully they all won't take this long to conceive) so I'm looking at potentially, hopefully having children well into my mid-late thirties. Anyway, the older I get (and the older my parents and grandparents get), the more I believe that youth is a state of mind!

Good luck to you and DH!

**Beth H** · 10-10-2003, 06:53 AM

Jennifer - I just emailed the NY times article to you. I thought that it was too long to cut and paste here on the board.

I have heard all of the comments in your post - both from strangers and from my DH's family, too. I wish that I could think of some kind of polite, yet smart-a** response, but I haven't yet. It's interesting to me that people don't hestitate to ask you about why you haven't had kids, yet they would never dream of asking how your sex life is, why you haven't lost weight, if you color your hair, etc. It's such a personal thing (to me at least) but evidently most people don't see it that way.

**MrsReber** · 10-10-2003, 07:20 AM

It is a personal decision! People are so rude! I still chuckle when people say that they don't know if they're "ready". You won't wake up one morning and say "gee, I'm ready to take on the biggest challenge of my life now and become a parent". It just won't happen that way. You will reach a point where you say "gee, I really do want kids so maybe now is the time". My own DH was getting wrapped up in "readiness". Believe me, there is nothing in the world that will prepare you to become a parent. Just jump in. I tell women who are expecting that they will understand so much more after they give birth. I can give them all the advice in the world and they can plan all they want in their heads about how their going to raise their own child, but when it finally happens, most of that goes out the window.

Relax. Don't listen to other people, especially not when they tell you you're getting "old". And especially not when they tell you how you should live your life! You are still very young (I have to say that because I'm around the same age as you

)

**Carolina68** · 10-10-2003, 07:20 AM

Originally posted by Gail
So what do you need to know? I was 37 when I had my one-and-only. A friend of mine (same age) gave birth to her second within a few months of mine. Another two friends had their first children at 38-- another friend was about to turn forty...

I am glad to hear there are some over 35 first time Mom's responding.
I'm 34...soon to be 35 and just started trying to conceive.

I'm the youngest in my family, but my Mom was 40 when she had me.

**Jessica** · 10-10-2003, 07:27 AM

Originally posted by jrichards

In general, I have found the same type of reaction though. Why aren't you having kids? Do you have fertility issues? Do you not like children? Are you having marital problems? You've been married for a long time to have no kids! You should get started - kids take a lot of energy. You should think about babies soon, you're age is getting up there and you could have problems. Didn't you know your risks increase for pregnancy problems as you get older? SO ON AND SO ON! It gets frustrating. Total strangers will ask me these things (like when I'm on an airplane). My friends know my position and stance and don't pressure me (as does my family). However, general acquantainces and co-workers are also all guilty of the comments above.

We get some of the same stuff. A member of my DH's family thought I would be upset when my (much younger) SIL had a baby, because some of them thought we were TTC and unsuccessful!

I agree with you about being ready, MrsReber. In our case, we were not sure we wanted children and now we have decided we do want them, or at least one. I suggested we just grab a baby from a supermarket cart and make a run for it, but DH thought we should try something more traditional, like pregnancy.

Meg O'C--I am so sorry about your miscarriage. Best wishes to you.

**JoanneOR** · 10-10-2003, 07:58 AM

I'm late jumping in here and just want to affirm what everyone else said. You are not old!!!! I had my first at 34, next at 35, next at 37, and the last at 40! I had no age related problems at all. I think your age is the perfect time to have a baby. You've most likely spent some years alone with you and your DH and done some stuff like traveling, etc. You're more mature than you were in your 20's. I'm not sure how I could have handled four kids in my 20's!

A "so-called" friend of mine blurted out "Oh my God, you'll be forty when you deliver" when I told her I was pregnant with Caitlyn. This was in a group of about six people. She did apologize later, but I thought it was very rude at the time. We planned Caitlyn and I was really excited to be having another. Anyway, don't let what people say affect you. Do what you and DH feel is best, you're the ones who will be the parents!

**Laura** · 10-10-2003, 08:07 AM

I had my kids at 27 and 29, but I must tell you that I generally am 5-10 years younger than my DD's friends parents (she is 14) and right around the same age as DS' friends parents. My dad was 50 and my mom 44 when I was born (last of 5) so having a child in your 30's doesn't seem "old" to me at all. My oldest sister had her first at 39 and her second at 42. She had some difficulty getting pregnant, but has had a very irregular cycle most of her life, so it was likely more related to that than her age.

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