having trouble dealing with biological clock since 41 and single

[applecrisp]

That biological clock it ticking real loud, how do I better deal with it?

I am 41 and not married and recently I have been having a really hard time with not only being single (sometimes real tough when it seems that practically everyone I know is married) but also that ticking biological clock. I think about it a lot (ok, more than a lot!!). I know I let it take up way too much of my thoughts, which isn't good.

I always thought that I would certainly be married by now and have a family. I realize that the chances of having my own biological children is getting real slim. I wouldn't be one of those people that you read about that give birth in their 50's. And, I will not have a child or adopt on my own. IF I do get married, I would look into adoption but also always wanted to have a baby. And, I always wanted two kids.

It is strange, sometimes I am fine hearing about my friends kids, getting pictures etc but sometimes it is real tough. Sometimes it just makes me so sad. I am not sure how to deal with how things are (and how they are likely to be in the future). I don't really talk to my married friends (all have kids) since many try to lighten the conversation by saying how lucky I am with all my freedom etc. I know I shouldn't think like this -- but my new thing is to blame myself that if I looked harder etc I could have been married by now and I might be in different situation and have a family. I know it makes no sense to play the "what ifs" but I am.

I was wondering if there are others that feel this way or if anyone has advice.

Thanks!

[rosie_one]

I wish I had advice for you... I'll just say I'm sorry you're feeling down and welcome to the BB and hope that some of the other wise people out there have good words. I'm certain you aren't alone in this.

[jmarie]

First of all, welcome to the board. I can't really offer you any advice, hopefully there are some on the board who will be able to give you the insight that you are looking for.

But for now, know that we look forward to hearing from you.
Joyce

[wallycat]

Welcome....
I too have no real words of wisdom.
I never wanted kids so never heard my biological clock
I must add that I did marry later (36) and am glad I waited.
Many of my friends were getting married; they all said I was too picky. I told them I would rather be alone and happy then in a marriage that I had to settle for and unhappy (or not as happy).

Single people make up the largest segment of our population, so you are not alone!

If being able to help kids out is important to you, you could volunteer at a program for young kids. I know it is not the same as having your own, but maybe spending time there and helping out would give you some sense of satisfaction and purpose.

[Chefzhat]

Welcome to the boards!

When I was feeling terminally single (I married late) I spent a lot of time volunteering so that I could spend time with kids. I was a Big Sister and also a "pregnant/parenting" teen aid. I loved working with these kids and learned a lot from them. It also gave me some familial connection in my life, something that wasn't there living by myself.

I hope you can come to terms with this and find satisfaction in your life.

Debie

[CookieG]

Applecrisp -

I can relate to your feelings...I am 35 and still (mostly) single. I date around and have no one marriagable in my life right now. And my biological clock is definitely going off! Unlike you, I am considering having a child on my own (a controversial topic; there was a thread about it a few months ago).

But in any case, I deal with the "what-ifs" by relishing my freedom as much as possible. I've joined various arts organizations in my city, travel frequently and try to make a point of cultivating single friends (both male and female). You might feel like the only one out there, but you aren't! My advice is that you find your passions, whether it involves kids or not, and make your life the best that it can be. I've found that the happier that I am with how things are rather than how they would be in my "ideal" world, the more men (and friends in general!) I have around...

For what it's worth!

Chris

[Wendy w]

Originally posted by wallycat
Welcome....
I too have no real words of wisdom.
I never wanted kids so never heard my biological clock

Many of my friends were getting married; they all said I was too picky. I told them I would rather be alone and happy then in a marriage that I had to settle for and unhappy (or not as happy).

What she said and adding that I'm 45 and single. I used to get chided about being too picky, now I am finding that many of the miserably married want to be me. it is definitely better to be alone and happy than alone (or with someone) and miserable.

Btw: welcome to the boards and good luck to you. You've received some great advice, and I hope that you will join us.

[tbb113]

I'm not in your situation, but I do share your feelings of 'this isn't the life I thought I would be living."

I'm almost 46, divorced, two kids. I always assumed I would get married and have kids (which I did). But I also assumed I would be able to be a stay-at-home mom (never happened) and have a marriage that lasted (didn't happen). I'm also caught in a job that I don't like (but it pays my bills).

I think of two different sayings alot: "Man plans and God laughs" and "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans". Sometimes that helps. I also realize that I have to live the life I've got not the life I wanted to have.


Please realize that you aren't alone in your feelings and that they are normal....

[Beth]

I had similar feelings before I got married. I was younger, but beginning to think I would never marry (other than my work) and was considering single parent adoption or foster parenting when my life changed and I wound up marrying.

As someone who has since wiped the snot off other kids noses as well as her own, I can honestly tell you that a child doesn't have to be your own to work magic with their smiles, laughter and hugs. There can never be too much love or caring for all the kiddos out there, and they don't have to live under your roof to benefit and grow from what you can share with them.

Reach out -- you never know how your life might change. You might even meet a Mr. Right with kids who need you -- and your body will forgive you for not being stretched beyond recognition (and then some).

[newcook]

Originally posted by Wendy w


What she said and adding that I'm 45 and single. I used to get chided about being too picky, now I am finding that many of the miserably married want to be me. it is definitely better to be alone and happy than alone and miserable.

Btw: welcome to the boards and good luck to you. You've received some great advice, and I hope that you will join us.

That is what I would say also, at 48 and single. I have to say that at a certain point, probably around 45 or so, I stopped having the desire for children. I think it may be a hormonal thing, or maybe at a certain point we start looking forward to slowing down. I don't really know the cause, but it also happened to a few of my friends who have reached that age single.

I also considered having a child alone at one point, but when it came time to do it, I started to think about the ramifications and chickened out. I'm not sorry that I didn't go ahead with it.

If you have any nieces or nephews, it is a great chance to do a little loving and parenting (if your brother or sister allows it of course). And if not, getting a puppy really really fills that need to love and nurture. Getting a dog was the best thing I did in lieu of.

Daniele

[Escher]

Originally posted by applecrisp
And, I will not have a child or adopt on my own...

Well, for starters....kudos for that decision. (What sort of world is it where one applauds responsible decision making?!--but I digress...

What is it about having children that appeals to you? The ability to teach a young one new things? The "immortality" aspect? Someone to care for/be loved by? Answering the question of _why_ will go a long way to pointing you towards properly addressing your feelings....

[Laura]

Originally posted by tbb113
I'm not in your situation, but I do share your feelings of 'this isn't the life I thought I would be living."

I'm almost 46, divorced, two kids. I always assumed I would get married and have kids (which I did). But I also assumed I would be able to be a stay-at-home mom (never happened) and have a marriage that lasted (didn't happen). I'm also caught in a job that I don't like (but it pays my bills).

I think of two different sayings alot: "Man plans and God laughs" and "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans". Sometimes that helps. I also realize that I have to live the life I've got not the life I wanted to have.


Please realize that you aren't alone in your feelings and that they are normal....

I am in the exact same situation as Tyra, and often thought about writing a book called "Loving the life you live." It never really got anywhere as I have found I am still struggling to achieve that goal. I do find it helpful to focus on the blessings in my life. Maybe now is the time for you to do somethings that would be more difficult if married and/or had kids.

[Lucinda]

Originally posted by applecrisp
That biological clock it ticking real loud, how do I better deal with it?

I was wondering if there are others that feel this way or if anyone has advice.

Thanks!

Hi Applecrisp--

First off, welcome to the boards!

Like you, I am 41, single and unchilded. I have become very content with where my life is re: not having husband and children, but so many of my friends are in the same boat you are. Here are some insights I have shared with them:

1. Don't feel that you are "needy" because you want a family of your own. Let yourself mourn if your life hasn't turned out the way you hoped it would. On a purely biological level, we are designed to want to pass on our genes and that is a very powerful drive, not to mention the strong emotional urge that is involved with wanting to create a family.

2. Don't rush into a relationship with a man just because he is also interested in settling down and starting a family. I saw several friends rush into marriage and a baby with men who ended up not being good partners for the long run.

3. Try, as much as you can, to enjoy the benefits of your single life. Even when I'm feeling lonely, I try to enjoy having my freedom and not having to be on my good behavior in front of other people. (I'll spare you the details ) None of us really know how long we have in this life, so you may as well enjoy the moment, while still moving toward your future goals!

Applecrisp, it's great that you are so clear about how you are feeling. I wish you peace and joy wherever your journey takes you.

[MNGirlTX]

I'll chime in, too, Applecrisp - I'm also 41, single...and want to be a wife and mother.

I have no advice for you, however, as I struggle with my feelings as well. I feel badly that my mom may never be a grandmother. I worry that I'll die - old and alone - and no one will notice. I went through a period where I could barely be around a baby because it made me sad.

I know I have a good life. And, I have a good family and friends. But, it's not the same as having that special someone to share things with.

All I can do is wish you the very best in your life.

Lori

[jmarie]

All I can do is wish you the very best in your life.

MNGirlTX and applecrisp, I wish you BOTH the very best in life!
Joyce

[MNGirlTX]

Originally posted by jmarie

MNGirlTX and applecrisp, I wish you BOTH the very best in life!
Joyce

That's so sweet, Joyce!

Thank you.

Lori

[wallycat]

Originally posted by MNGirlTX
.....

I worry that I'll die - old and alone - and no one will notice.
Lori

Feelings don't need to be justified because they are obviously one's feelings.
Let me just say, that I know plenty of "parents" whose children want nothing to do with them.
Having kids does not guarantee you love or care in your later years.
Developing friendships and involving yourself in your community does.
People WILL notice and I am sure each and every one of us can make a wonderful contribution, regardless of whether we have or do not have kids.

Best to you both!

[applecrisp]

I want to thank everyone for all your replies (and please keep them coming). It is helpful to be reminded that I am not the only one that feels this way at times. I got some real good advice -- basically enjoy your life to the fullest!

I will say, I have found that watching the first 5 minutes of a show like Nanny 911 does wonders for turning down that biological clock ticking. I'm just joking.

I am going to look into the Big Sister organization too.

And for MNGIRLTX --- as you can see from the BB, you are not alone (hey,I'm with you!). I do think that its great advice to not allow what you may want, keep you from enjoying what you have right now. I am going to have to work on that. A few weeks back, I was with one of my friends holding her little baby -- which was fun, although to say that it pulled at my heart was an understatement! And, don't even start me on going into Baby Gap and seeing all the moms and kids! And like it was said on the BB, I will repeat --- and wish all of us the best!!

Again, thanks for all your comments -- I appreciate it. And if anyone else wants to chime in, please do so. Also, anyone that feels like I do, feel free to email me if you ever want to vent!