Holiday Entertaining - How Do You Handle it?

[HejazSunKat]

I know it's a little early for this but it's on my mind and I'm looking for ideas. Doesn't it always seem to be that in every family there are one or two couples that do the bulk of the entertaining? Holiday get togethers have traditionally been done by either DH and I or one other couple in the family with the rest of the family members seemingly waiting to see who's hosting so we often find ourselves in the position of doing a holiday because no one else has volunteered. This year, the other couple who has shared the hosting duties is separating so with the trauma to their family of that going on and their splitting their households up I don't see Christmas happening at their house this year. At the risk of sounding like Scrooge, I really want to put my foot down regarding Christmas this year. DH and I have hosted it the last couple years in a row plus I've had a difficult year health wise and don't expect to be fully recovered until the end of the year so I really don't want the stress of doing a major event. Maybe it's just the year I've had but I am way ready for the holidays to be downsized, to not have a big Martha Stewarty, Currier and Ivesy, picture perfect traditional Christmas extravaganza that costs me so much in time, effort and money and I want to put a stop to our being the hosts of most holiday events so I think it's time for this to get addressed. I'm thinking of sending an email to the family but I'm not sure what to suggest. Anyone been in this situation of being the default hosts? Have you put a stop to it? If so how? Do you celebrate in some alternative ways with your extended families besides all getting together for a big meal and present opening on the appointed day?

[donleyk]

I have a couple of thoughts. One is you have to want to entertain. Considering your recovery I'd opt out this year and not feel badly about it at all. If you have an open relationship with them then fire off your email stating you aren't doing it. Or, tell a couple of them and let the word get around. You could be less than subtle and say you and DH are going to Hawaii this year, good luck Second, you shouldn't ever do more than you want so downsizing is just fine. I'd hope everyone would recognize your health issues and understand, but more to the point, is for them to enjoy you and DH's company which is really what it is about.

As an aside, with the economy, I'd think there will be downsizing going on all around.

I hope you can come to some peace with this. Really, it's okay to not go full-blown.

[Shugness]

As far as the meal goes, I'd send out an email and tell everyone that due to your recovery you're going to need help hosting this years holiday event. Volunteer to offer your home and make the main meat, but ask that everyone chip in and agree to bring one of the sides,an appetizer, a dessert, bread, beverages, etc. Not only will that cut down on your time your spending, but your money as well.

As for gift giving, this may or may not be an issue, but I highly recommend doing the "draw a name" thing. My in-law side of the family started this last year - all of the adults names go into a hat, each person pulls one. A $50 limit was set. For the children, which is currently only one in that side of the family, we all bought him a gift. Our theory is the present deal is more for the children anyways.

Another thought, at work I've been deemed the "Shindig Coordinator". When we have a "Shindig" we will discuss what theme we're going to go with and then I will make a spreadsheet with every item we will need listed. I leave the spreadsheet out for everyone to look at and they will sign up for whatever item they want to bring. I make sure I have items listed that the bachelors can just go to the store and pick up - bread, beverages, condiments, etc. Sometimes we need specific items "potato salad, baked beans, banana pudding, etc" other times it's more vague like "side dish, side dish, dessert."

In your case I'd do a little bit of both, I'd list specific side dishes you will need - green beans, mashed potatoes, gravy, but also leave open "your choice of side dish" to give people the option of bringing their chosen one. In my experience I've learned some people just want to be told what to do and/or bring and others want the option of being creative.

If you wanted to go a step further, have on hand recipes for the items you've made in the past and simply pass it on to one of the family members who might not have any idea what to make or claims they don't know how to.

FWIW, this is how the family functions at the holidays work in both sides of mine - it's the norm, every year I make crock pot mac and cheese, an appetizer and several desserts. My sister-in-law makes her usual cookie tray, and bring several different sides. My mother-in-law gets a honeybaked ham and will make a turkey and does the gravy, green beans and mashed potatoes.

[blazedog]

I think you need to determine what it is that you want/need to occur.

As others have posted, there is no reason to continue to make yourself the sacrificial lamb -- especially given the special circumstances of this year for you.

In your circumstances I would send an email to the usual attendees and explaining that you won't be able to hold the usual gathering/gatherings at your home this season.

I'm not sure it's up to you to provide alternatives. Perhaps someone else will pick up the slack. If not, again, perhaps the family can meet in a restaurant.

[Canice]

Is it that you don't want to host at all or don't want to host a big group or don't want to participate in a big group celebration?
If you're still deciding what it is you want to do, how about sending out the email in a few weeks (to all the usual or frequent attendees) and just telling them that "owing to several factors" you are unable to host Christmas dinner this year and that you and your DH are still making your plans but wanted to get the word out so that they could plan their holiday? It seems reasonable and not impolite to me.

[sneezles]

If it were me I'd wait a few weeks before making any decisions. Once it gets closer to the holiday season see how you feel. I do agree that downsizing is a good idea though.


We used to throw a huge 4th of July party (100+) and the last year we had it we told the guests this would be our last. The nest year we were invited to a party put on by very good friends and had a blast (amazing how much more fun it is when you're not the one doing the prep and clean-up ). A week later we learned another couple (whom we thought were good friends) had a party and didn't invite us though they'd been to our for over 5 years...

[MNGirlTX]

You asked about alternative ways of celebrating the holidays:

For many years, probably 30 or more, my dad's side of the family has had an "alternate" Christmas celebration. Having 7 children, of which 4 were married and had children of their own, my grandparents decided they would have Christmas the Sunday before December 25...that way they got to celebrate the holiday with their children and grandchildren and the children could have their own Christmas Eve/Christmas Day traditions.

In the beginning, they used the American Legion and Grandma and "the girls" would cook. After a number of years, the celebration moved to the community room of the hi-rise my grandparents lived in...and after dinner and gifts, we'd move the party to the neighborhood bar for drinks and darts.

After Grandma died, we just started renting the room that the bar has for such occasions. And, we have a light lunch...sandwiches, chips, beans, chicken wings, veggies, desserts...some we make, some we buy from the bar or Sam's Club. Each of the adults (anyone 18 or older) pays $5 towards the food and the room rental. I don't think we charge anything for the kids. They are all mostly under the age of 5 and don't eat all that much, anyway. It really takes the pressure off of everyone. The biggest obstacle is usually the weather.

[HejazSunKat]

Originally Posted by Canice

Is it that you don't want to host at all or don't want to host a big group or don't want to participate in a big group celebration?

I don't want to host and I'm ready to see a more equitable distribution of holiday hosting. We've done Christmas the last couple of years in a row and I don't want to do it again partly because I don't feel physically/mentally up to it and partly because I don't think it's fair. I also want to stop being the go to house 99% of the time for family functions and I realize that is partially our own fault. There are 4 households that are of the generation that's in a position to host events like this (the older people being too frail to host a big event and the younger generation not really being situated for it yet) and what generally happens is no one raises a hand and says "We'll host" so it starts to get down to the wire and DH and I end up saying "Ok, we'll do it". It hasn't been so bad with one other couple to share it with, even though there has been some low level resentment that the other families never volunteer, but with them splitting up I see us getting stuck with it all if we don't change the status quo. I DO want to see my family during the holidays but I'd just like to not be the cruise director this year.

Originally Posted by Blazedog

I'm not sure it's up to you to provide alternatives.

True. I wonder what everyone would be doing if we just didn't throw our offer in the ring? While they all come happily to our house when they're invited maybe they would be perfectly happy sitting at home in their jammies, ordering a pizza and playing with their new toys (maybe that's what I feel like doing this year!! ) and we're the ones forcing the issue by having this party they feel obligated to come to. Our celebrations always do involve the other families bringing dishes to accompany the meal but it is still alot of work to get the house ready, put on a formal sit down dinner or buffet and clean up after it and I don't get help with that part.

I hadn't intended for the email I was thinking of sending to be accusatory (Not: "Hey, you never host and d@mmit I'm not doing it this year!") but was hoping instead that I could come up with some innovative way we could celebrate as a family that wouldn't involve one household doing all the work and bearing all the expense.

Originally Posted by Shugness

As for gift giving, this may or may not be an issue, but I highly recommend doing the "draw a name" thing. My in-law side of the family started this last year - all of the adults names go into a hat, each person pulls one.

That's no longer an issue so one less thing to worry about. We used to do a name draw for the adults but after a few years worth of grumbling from some quarters about why we were still doing it it was abandoned last year. Some people apparently didn't think it was fun so we stopped forcing the issue.

[sneezles]

After reading you latest post I don't think I'd even bother with emails. The group doesn't sound like much fun anyway!

[Robyncz]

Originally Posted by HejazSunKat

I hadn't intended for the email I was thinking of sending to be accusatory (Not: "Hey, you never host and d@mmit I'm not doing it this year!") but was hoping instead that I could come up with some innovative way we could celebrate as a family that wouldn't involve one household doing all the work and bearing all the expense.

Well, there's your e-mail. If it were me, I'd send a message to everyone. Something along the lines of. . . "We've hosted here for the past couple of years, but we're not going to be able to do it this year. Perhaps someone else can take this on or it might be the perfect time to come up with some innovative way we could celebrate as a family that wouldn't involve one household doing all the work and bearing all the expense."

I wouldn't say much about WHY you're not choosing to host again--since that just gives people an opportunity to provide counter arguments or solutions so you *can* host. Instead, I'd just make it straightforward, neither negative and accusatory or apologetic.

[DanaSD]

What about a restaurant or doing a meal other than supper? This past Thanksgiving we went to my cousins for Thanksgiving brunch (due to their kids from previous marriage having dinner with their mom) - it was potluck buffet style (with a ham) and much more relaxed. Some family then went home and cooked a turkey or had dinner with their spouses families - we, not being turkey people, went to a movie.

For Christmas we keep our meals simple - we do a cranberry pork loin which cooks in an hour instead of the all day turkey with stuffing. Or maybe there's a place you can rent for the day and do potluck - I attended a Thanksgiving in the NE once that was at a rented lodge.

[Canice]

Originally Posted by HejazSunKat

(maybe that's what I feel like doing this year!! )

Actually, that's where I started before just asking for clarification

[Shugness]

Originally Posted by Robyncz

Well, there's your e-mail. If it were me, I'd send a message to everyone. Something along the lines of. . . "We've hosted here for the past couple of years, but we're not going to be able to do it this year. Perhaps someone else can take this on or it might be the perfect time to come up with some innovative way we could celebrate as a family that wouldn't involve one household doing all the work and bearing all the expense."

I wouldn't say much about WHY you're not choosing to host again--since that just gives people an opportunity to provide counter arguments or solutions so you *can* host. Instead, I'd just make it straightforward, neither negative and accusatory or apologetic.

I agree with her - Especially the last paragraph. As for suggestions, renting a nice location and have a caterer come in. Really out there would be suggest you call take a cruise together - ha ha.

[jmarie]

We have a seasonal (closes for the winter months) restaurant located nearby. What we started doing, after encouragement from this board, was to rent it for the evening to have a dinner there. No muss, no fuss, they do all of the work and this is my Christmas gft to my family. It costs about what we were putting into their gifts. This was a win-win situation for us.

I hope you find a solution.

Joyce

[Kay Henderson]

For this year, you go on a cruise? It sounds to me like you need a year off, and this might provide an opportunity to break a pattern which is no longer working.

Your family may be approaching the "generational change" that happens to all eventually. If some of the people in your generation are parents of young adults, they (and perhaps you) will be grandparents one of these days and the extended family get-together will be these grandparents, children and grandchildren plus whatever "greats" are still living. The challenge then (which you may want to do sooner rather than later) is to find a simple way for grandparent generation siblings who still want to see each other to do so outside the context of a full-blown family holiday dinner.

Good luck in working your way through this!

Kay

[HejazSunKat]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. Your responses have helped me clarify things to a certain extent. I think the first question that needs to be answered is does everyone who usually attends the dinners at our house want this kind of event or have we just been operating under the delusion that they do? I'm beginning to wonder if we've been forcing something down their throats that's past it's expiration date. Even though we grew up with holidays that included the big sit down dinner, maybe we would now be happy with something less grand.

At least this year, when I'm not feeling so festive, I would be happy to do a get together at a local restaurant with our family a week or so before the holiday and leave everyone to their own devices on Christmas. This would free me from all the prep and clean-up and it would also help out those who struggle with running around to visit multiple sets of parents on a major holiday (a problem I don't have because my parents are gone). I would even be pleased to host a games night (my family loves that) a week or so before the holiday where we could exchange gifts for those we buy for (our kids, grandkids and my MIL) and have appetizers or a light meal so I guess I have to qualify my earlier reponse that I don't want to host: I don't want to host a grand scale meal. Christmas Eve is always a late night for me since I sing in the choir at my church and we do midnight Mass and if I'm hosting the dinner on Christmas I always feel so pressured the next day to get ready so it would be lovely to be able to relax on Christmas day.

Now to sell this to DH. He's accustomed to our big holiday dinners and I think wrapping his mind around a new model for holiday celebrations is going to take a little convincing though I think the time is ripe for it given the changes taking place in our extended family.

Thanks everyone!

[Shugness]

Linda - one more thing to throw out here since you've touched on something similiar about maybe it's being forced. Is there a possibility that since you've done the hosting in the past it's become viewed as a tradition to have it at your place, that it's "your thing"? Maybe that's why no one else ever offers because they think they will offend you/ruffle your feathers by "taking" that away from you?

I know of a similiar situation with a friend of mine - she really wants to host Thanksgiving Dinner one year at her house and do all the cooking, but doesn't want to cause any ill feelings by changing the tradition of going to the family cabin for the holidays where the men all go hunt while the women stay behind and cook. Side note - I keep telling her I bet the other women aren't crazy about it either and would follow her lead if she mentioned different alternatives to celebrating turkey day.

Something to consider, if you think there is any chance there is another family member who *might* be interested you might throw out there comments about how you've enjoyed hosting but feel like there may be others who want an opportunity to enjoy the experience too. You could go back to the email Robyn suggest and squeeze that in the middle somewhere. You can't host it, it's open to someone else if their interested, if not then suggestion for an innovative way to celebrate that wouldn't put one household bearing all/most of the expenses.

Another thing to add - I was thinking last night about other ways to celebrate. If you want to go a step further, you could do a "dinner & a show" type of thing. Last year we went to Cleveland to see the Rockettes Christmas Show. I know there are a lot of other plays usually going on - Nutcracker, Scrooge, etc. You could suggest having dinner at a nice restaurant before and going as a group to see one of the shows. Family members could choose to do both, or just one of them.

[HejazSunKat]

Originally Posted by Shugness

Is there a possibility that since you've done the hosting in the past it's become viewed as a tradition to have it at your place, that it's "your thing"? Maybe that's why no one else ever offers because they think they will offend you/ruffle your feathers by "taking" that away from you?

There could certainly be an element of that for all I know. Here we've been resenting getting 'stuck' with this every year and maybe the other families are coming FOR US, because they think it means so much to us and they don't want to disappoint. If that's the case it's laughable because nobody's happy and everybody's feeling self righteous!

Originally Posted by Shugness

Something to consider, if you think there is any chance there is another family member who *might* be interested you might throw out there comments about how you've enjoyed hosting but feel like there may be others who want an opportunity to enjoy the experience too. You could go back to the email Robyn suggest and squeeze that in the middle somewhere. You can't host it, it's open to someone else if their interested, if not then suggestion for an innovative way to celebrate that wouldn't put one household bearing all/most of the expenses.

The email is beginning to flesh out in my head and I think it needs to focus on how do we want to celebrate as a family. I think we can easily use my illness this year as an 'excuse' or jumping off point to open up the discussion. "With Linda's illness this year and X and Y going their separate ways blah, blah, blah...now seems to be the time to talk about what form we'd like to see our family holiday celebrations take this year. Here are a few ideas to get us started..."

Originally Posted by Shugness

Another thing to add - I was thinking last night about other ways to celebrate. If you want to go a step further, you could do a "dinner & a show" type of thing. Last year we went to Cleveland to see the Rockettes Christmas Show. I know there are a lot of other plays usually going on - Nutcracker, Scrooge, etc. You could suggest having dinner at a nice restaurant before and going as a group to see one of the shows. Family members could choose to do both, or just one of them.

I think this is a wonderful idea as were the suggestions made above for a group cruise but unfortunately I don't think this would fly with a couple of the families for economic reasons. Everybody's having a tough time in this economy so I don't want to suggest an option that's too pricey. Great idea though and one that may be a good fit in future. Maybe the email should be an annual thing and we should reconfigure our 'traditions' on a regular basis as the family evolves.