Wedding gift question

[Blissful_in_TX]

We received a wedding invite to one of DH's coworker's sons. We didn't even know he had a son, so obviously we've never met him. Unfortunately we'll be out of town so unable to attend. So that brings up the question....what do we do in the gift department? I know that an invitation does not equal request for a gift, but I've never NOT given a gift, KWIM?

Now they know that we make enough to spend a decent amount on a good gift, so I don't want to come off as cheap. But then again, how much can one really be expected to spend on someone they've never met?

[zwieback]

I'd either buy something off the registry or, just send an appropriate amount (something that is affordable and reasonable to you) or, get a comparable amount on a gift card to Home Depot or Lowe's.

ETA -- I think $50-75 is a reasonable amount to spend, especially for someone you don't really know.

[avariell]

I agree with zwie - I would send a gift card or check for $50-75. And fwiw, I think it is semi-normal for friends of the parents, who don't know the bride or groom well, to be invited to weddings at times. So I guess I don't think it is that odd... just send a nice card and it'll be fine

[Robyn1007]

Honestly, I would be appalled if I received an invite to a colleague's child's wedding if I'd never met the child. First off, I wouldn't want the parents having to pay to entertain me and second, I wouldn't want to feel obligated to purchase a gift. And as an unmarried woman I would be mortified if my parents suggested I invite their co-workers who I haven't ever met when/if I ever get married.

What to do now? I guess since you have the cash to spare I would buy a simple, nominal gift off the registry.

[zwieback]

I think it is normal for parents to invite their friends to their kid's wedding. Afterall, if a child has a decent relationship with their parents, the wedding is a celebration for the parents as well. My parents and my in-laws invited their friends to my wedding. Honestly, I'd want friends of my parents and in-laws there. My wedding was a special day not only for me, but also for my parents and my husband's parents. I guess I didn't see it as only my celebration

[Robyn1007]

Originally Posted by zwieback

I think it is normal for parents to invite their friends to their kid's wedding. Afterall, if a child has a decent relationship with their parents, the wedding is a celebration for the parents as well. My parents and my in-laws invited their friends to my wedding. Honestly, I'd want friends of my parents and in-laws there. My wedding was a special day not only for me, but also for my parents and my husband's parents. I guess I didn't see it as only my celebration

Well, considering I'd prefer to have a small wedding on top of a mountain on skis I guess I'm just different. For me the wedding isn't about friends of my parents in separate states. I'm older for a bride (if/when I ever get married) and I've not lived with my parents for more years than I lived with them. I am appalled at the size and extravagance of weddings these days and don't want to have that kind of wedding and none of my parents expect me to (nor do they want to pay for that type of wedding).

[tbb113]

My go to wedding gift is a nice 8x10 frame for their wedding picture.

I've been the guest where I only knew the parents so it doesn't seem strange to me either. And I invited people to my sons' bar mitzvahs where they haven't met my sons either.

[Canice]

Originally Posted by zwieback

I think it is normal for parents to invite their friends to their kid's wedding.

But a friend is not the same as a coworker - not at all. I know which of my friends have children and which don't.

I will preface this by saying that I have been grocery shopping, cooking, and doing dishes for about 8 hours straight, so my patience may be short (though I doubt that explains things) but there is no way I would buy any gift. I would send the RSVP card promptly and forget about it. It has nothing to do with how much money you make or what insight they have into your finances. Why on earth should you spend $75 on a gift for a person you never knew existed until his father invited you to the wedding?

[Robyn1007]

Originally Posted by Canice

But a friend is not the same as a coworker - not at all. I know which of my friends have children and which don't.

I think you just hit the nail on the head and what was more bothersome to me (although I didn't say it). If I was invited to a co-worker's son's wedding but had been hearing stories about such son for years it wouldn't feel quite so weird but obviously these people aren't very close if the OP doesn't even know what children they have (and I wouldn't necessarily expect that the OP should). In this case it feels more like "Let's invite all of dad's doctor co-workers 'cause they'll give us good presents!"

[Blissful_in_TX]

Originally Posted by Robyn1007

In this case it feels more like "Let's invite all of dad's doctor co-workers 'cause they'll give us good presents!"

I feel so used. I'm still waffling....I know it's not a big deal, but I just can't decide.

[Shugness]

I agree with Canice and Robyn on this one - I would return the RSVP that you won't be able to attend and forget about it. The bride and groom will open the presents - not the parents and your coworker - so they won't even know who you are.

And I have to wonder....would they even notice if you DIDN'T send a gift? It does sound like a tacky effort to rack up on all the gifts they can, I'd have to ignore that.

[SusanMac]

Even though it's a work situation, I don't think you'll lose face by sending in the RSVP card w/a congratulations note, but not bother with a gift.

If you do decide to send a gift, I don't think you have to worry at all about how much money you spend. Any amount would be a nice gesture. I personally wouldn't send just a check (since that isn't really a gift IMO) but I know a lot of people disagree with this.

Robyn - I'm with you. No coworkers or friends of my parents at my wedding unless they happen to be my friends, too (ya know, like your parents BFF who were always around while you were growing up. I still exchange Christmas cards with a few of these couples. I think of them as a 2nd family) Once again, each wedding & family situation is different for this.

[suebear37]

Jenna Bush hit the nail right on the head when she said she didn't want to be introduced to anybody at her own wedding. We basically took the same approach when making the guest list for our son's wedding. I had some local college friends that I didn't invite because they are not a part of my kids' universe & vice versa.

Amy, I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about passing on the wedding & not sending a gift. Your being invited smacks of nothing more than a fundraiser for the couple.

[cchhbb]

Is it one of those situations where they may not want to offend anyone so are inviting the whole department of the parent? I know some people are very worried about offending anyone and end up inviting people that they may not know well out of fear of hurting feelings.

For example, I worked for the President of a fairly large company for about 5 years. I ran our Wisconsin office and all the other direct reports lived near corporate headquarters in CT. I would get invited to all kinds of parties/events even though there was little chance that DH and I would ever attend since we lived so far away.

[LaraW]

Originally Posted by cchhbb

Is it one of those situations where they may not want to offend anyone so are inviting the whole department of the parent? I know some people are very worried about offending anyone and end up inviting people that they may not know well out of fear of hurting feelings.

I agree with this. Sometimes the culture of the office is what is dictating who is invited. I know at my wedding, we invited a lot of my dad's co-workers, probably most of his office. I was 26 when I got married, but I left home just before I turned 18. I had been to his office during my college years but I certainly didn't know everyone. And, since he had 5 daughters, they knew I was his daughter but they didn't know me, per se.

If it were me, I would not feel bad about skipping the wedding but I would probably send a gift. But, I can see where it would be totally appropriate to send a decline and a card with your congratulations too.

[Beth]

I understand how you feel -- it's hard to get invited to a wedding and not feel like you should send a gift, but really? To get invited to the wedding of a son you didn't even know they had? That really isn't in the circle of people close enough to invite to a wedding in my book. The friends of my parents' who were invited were mostly life long and very close friends of my moms, many sorrority alums (and therefore my "sisters" too) and I had meet all of them on more than one or two occassions. One was my pediatrician and another my swim coach. If they don't know DH well enough to talk family, why are they inviting you to the wedding?

I would send my regrets and put that behind you. Figure that they didn't really expect you to be coming. Does the gift still weigh on your mind after a few days? If so, this is time to go value shopping in my book. I'd find a silver frame, crystal vase or bowl, some candlesticks or a set of sheets that are classic and a heck of a buy. It could be off their registry or using their registry to get an idea of colors and style (traditional, modern, etc).

The last thing I would do is send a check. I don't like checks as gifts for most situations, but in this case, it's even harder -- ok, downright impossible, to not look like you are being cheap without spending more than the situation calls for. But then, I am one of those who will not automatically spend a certain amount on a wedding gift. Rather, I have a usual starting range and will spend in proportion to the closeness of the relationship and/or fondness for the couple. That's hard to do when you didn't know the person existed and wouldn't know either of them if they walked up to you.

I'd be checking TJ MAxx, Home Goods -- maybe the clearance shelves, Macy's sale with the extra discount coupon -- but nothing too heavy or it will cost you a fortune to ship. Well, DH could take it to the office and drop it off. That way dad can explain to the couple who it is from.

In all seriousness, I think whatever you decide to do will be fine.

[LakeMartinGal]

If I decided to send a gift, I would send one of the gift boxes from Penzey's. Always useful, and not too much $. Depending on finances, I would probably send a gift, if I liked the co-worker.

[donleyk]

In case you are keeping score, I vote you return the RSVP with a decline and forget about it. It was a huge stretch to be invited to someone's wedding you haven't ever met and didn't know about.

[JenniferJJ]

Originally Posted by donleyk

In case you are keeping score, I vote you return the RSVP with a decline and forget about it. It was a huge stretch to be invited to someone's wedding you haven't ever met and didn't know about.

My vote also.

As others have said, it would be one thing if your DH and his co-worker were closer and talked about their kids. If co-workers / friends of mine invited me to events of their kids that they talk about, I would be very pleased to attend their kids' celebration since it's also important to my friend/co-worker. But this is not the case.

[Blissful_in_TX]

Originally Posted by cchhbb

Is it one of those situations where they may not want to offend anyone so are inviting the whole department of the parent?

I could see that happening too....but in this situation they actually work at competing medical facilities though they do communicate regularly. I guess I'll just let it go, and if I change my mind I guess technically I have a year to give a gift

[Beth]

That seems even more of a stretch then.

Penzey's would always be in good taste (pun acknowledged), can fit any price range, but you won't find it on sale. I recently gave a cousin 2 boxes of Penzey's for a shower gift because I couldn't narrow it down any more than that.

[Shugness]

SPAM!!! And when did we have to start typing responses that are at least 10 characters?

[Jessica]

One other idea--make a small donation to charity in their name. They won't have any idea what you spent and more and more people are doing this for weddings anyway. You can pick a charity most people would support, like a food shelf.

[sneezles]

Originally Posted by Shugness

SPAM!!! And when did we have to start typing responses that are at least 10 characters?

Not sure what you're referring to as SPAM and we've had to type 10 character responses for a number of years now.


Back to topic:

We have been invited to weddings where I not only don't know the wedding couple I don't know the parents either...DH is a member of the VFD and one of the young guys got married (he invited all the members of the VFD). We didn't go and didn't' send a gift...all guilt free.

We have been to weddings where we only knew the parents of either the bride or groom...attended the wedding and the reception. Also gave a very nice gift.

[Shugness]

Not sure what you're referring to as SPAM and we've had to type 10 character responses for a number of years now.

The post above my last reply, see below....

Originally Posted by RedKelly

What I do in cases where I don't want to spend too much money because I don't know the person that well, I try come up with a small basket. If it's a wedding one of those romantic chocolate gifts that can be shared by the groom and the bride. So far it worked every time.

They have 3 post and have a link in their reply that takes you to romantic chocolates.

As for ten characters, I had never noticed it until recently, but maybe previously I always had more to say than "congrats!" or "thanks!".

[Blissful_in_TX]

Originally Posted by Shugness

The post above my last reply, see below....

It must have been deleted by the moderator b/c I'm not seeing that post.

[blazedog]

I think that inviting "colleagues" to the wedding of a child is odd since it doesn't appear that the "colleagues" have any kind of relationship outside work -- nor does it appear that they are "work buddies."

In work situations, (at least in my experience) these kinds of invitations are for those with whom one shares some kind of relationship -- one talks about lots of others things; one goes to lunch with them and doesn't discuss business etc. I have been invited to some where I knew the person for a shorter period of time than others in the organization but we were "friends" and not just people thrown together in the work place but got along.

I would resent even being invited to a wedding with absolutely no meaningful relationship.

That said, I would send a wedding present of the $50 variety because in a work situation, one doesn't want to be viewed as "cheap" or curmudgeonly so to speak. I would get something on the register in that price range and just chalk it up to corporate goodwill.

[BucknellAlum]

I saw that spam post before it was deleted Shugness, so I understood your post, but I can see where it was confusing for others who viewed this thread after it was removed! (kudos to the moderators for acting so quickly)

Every time I see this thread I mean to ask - what does DH think of the situation? It's his coworker, so I am curious as to whether he is concerned about looking "cheap" by not attending/sending a gift, etc?

[Blissful_in_TX]

Originally Posted by BucknellAlum

Every time I see this thread I mean to ask - what does DH think of the situation? It's his coworker, so I am curious as to whether he is concerned about looking "cheap" by not attending/sending a gift, etc?

He doesn't think anything about it. I think I did ask him and his eyes glazed over as he stared at me blankly. Seriously, it's PA week so today I put together a cute little gift for her, put in the bag, got a card, told him what to write on it, to put her name on the envelope, and put it in his car with instructions to give it to her with a hearty "Happy PA Week! Thanks so much for all you do!"
Yes, it's that bad.

[sneezles]

Originally Posted by Blissful_in_TX

Yes, it's that bad.

DH only attends weddings because I do!