Graves and Flowers question (partially Catholic related)

[Blissful_in_TX]

I don’t usually visit gravesites….nothing against the person; I just feel like they are not there. Though I know many people find it comforting to visit the burial place of loved ones. Different strokes, different folks and all.

Anyhow, I have two scenarios….one is for some friends (not close friends) who tragically lost their child almost a year ago. I was thinking of putting some flowers on her grave to let the parents know (if they choose to visit the site) that someone out there was thinking of them. I guess I could send the flowers directly to the parents with a kind note, but I’m not as comfortable since we’re not too close. Other ideas?

Secondly, my grandma left a message saying All Souls Day is coming up, and she wanted to know if I was putting flowers out for my Dad’s grave or if she should. Apparently that is Catholic tradition, and they have mass out at the cemetery (it’s a Catholic cemetery), so she wanted to make sure flowers were there. Okay, no problem.

But my question, do you put fresh flowers only? I know some cemeteries don’t allow artificial but if you had to choose between nice artificial vs real that will die in a couple days, which do you choose? And if you choose real, do you go back in a few days to throw out the dead steams/leaves? Or should I go with something like a basket of mums in a planter that won’t die as fast as cut flowers?

PS – I know some people plant flowers at the gravesite but I don’t see how that would work in Texas (I’m referring more so in the summer) b/c it’s sooo hot. I would literally have to water them a couple times a day.

[erin elizabeth]

As someone whose brother died tragically and too young, I know how much my parents and I appreciate the cards and notes from people around his birthday and the anniversary of his death. It is nice when people leave things at the cemetery, but we'd rather hear from people. If you're not close, card companies make cards for these anniversaries and you could just sign your name.

Personally, I like real flowers, even when they die quickly. Seems to be appropriate, but do check with the cemetery. Sometimes they have lots of rules.

[jellyben]

Maybe it's just me, but I think of the gravesite as somewhere for the people that are very close to the deceased would visit, so might find it disconcerting that someone not very close to the deceased was there. I would opt for a card or flowers sent to the home.

As far as fresh vs. real, I would go with real-it just seems more special to me.

[DmOrtega]

That is a very nice gesture. Flowers for the child's birthday or a day of rememberance is very special.

I would suggest fresh flowers, they don't have to be expensive or even a lot of flowers. The groundskeepers at most cemetaries remove the flowers about once a week so fake flowers will only create litter for them. Real flowers can be composted. There is usually a built in vase for flowers but if not then a small potted plant will be more stable.

[sparrowgrass]

I would rather make a donation in the person's name than buy flowers that die in a few days.

Maybe give something to the American Heart Association (or whatever is appropriate) or to her school or sports group?

Send a card to the parents to let them know.

[Beth]

I will not remember anyone with fake flowers. I guess I have pretty strong feelings about artificial flowers as memorials of any kind. My family has all been told that if I should go in an auto accident, the last thing I would want is for someone to put up a white cross and fake flowers at the site. Not the way I want to be remembered.

I think a remembrance to the family of the child would be better. They might not see flowers placed at the grave. A donation could be a nice thing to do too. Yesterday, a former teacher of my son's lost their newborn son who had been born prematurely. I had a Heifer International catalog here by the computer and it just seemed like the right thing to do. They have gifts starting at $10. I don't know if that would seem appropriate for your friend, but I thought it was a way to pay tribute to a life that was so short and to give him a legacy that could live on and give hope to many. I hope the parents see it that way.

[Missi]

I was raised Catholic and (at least in my experience), tending to graves is a BIG deal. I have lots of memories going with my grandmother to tend to my grandfather's grave. It was the norm for all of our family and other families I knew who were Catholic. I think they would have been thrilled if they went to the grave site and saw someone had left flowers there. But I think when a grave site is tended to, it is more for honoring the person who died, maybe more for you to honor their memory for yourself, not for their families, who may never even know you have been to the grave site. So I would suggest sending something to the parents.

Cemeteries have very specific policies nowadays as far as what is acceptable. I would attempt to contact them for the information, so if you decide to do one thing and it is not permissible, you can have a back up plan.

Good luck

[Missi]

Originally Posted by Beth

I will not remember anyone with fake flowers. I guess I have pretty strong feelings about artificial flowers as memorials of any kind. My family has all been told that if I should go in an auto accident, the last thing I would want is for someone to put up a white cross and fake flowers at the site. Not the way I want to be remembered.

I couldn't agree more! I absolutely hate roadside memorials.

[avariell]

This is such a personal thing - obviously everyone has really different opinions

I think it is so considerate and sweet that you are remembering the child. I think sending a card to the family is the best thing to do. I also think maybe making a donation like Beth and maybe others suggested would be nice. Honestly anything you do will be well-received I think.

[Beth]

Originally Posted by avariell

This is such a personal thing - obviously everyone has really different opinions

Honestly anything you do will be well-received I think.

I think this is true. If someone remembered one of my loved ones with plastic flowers (the worst of the fakes, IMO), I would still appreciate their thoughtfulness and the sentiment with which the gesture was made. They would also be removed after a reasonable time (maybe more than a few days as for fresh flowers, but no collecting dust and fading -- be forewarned if that would offend anyone ).

[Blissful_in_TX]

I want to thank everyone for their opinions.....I always appreciate knowing how someone else perceives a situation. I know I personally am not a huge flower fan; as in if it was me I would rather see the money go towards a good cause. I saw Beth's comment about Heifer International, and it made me think of a cause that I recently learned about from an organization near to my heart (they help underprivileged children and families around my DD's orphanage). Anyhow, they have a new program very similar to Heifer Intl where you can provide a family with chickens - both for protein for the kids and it's a pay-it-forward type deal. I thought that would be a great remembrance, but at the same time I feel like if I send them a letter expressing it, then it could be misconstrued as "Hey look at this wonderful thing that *I* did to remember your daughter by!" Obviously not the intent I'm going for, but could it come off that way? Yes, I over-analyze things...why do you ask?

Another question - when is it appropriate to no longer send cards, etc on that day? (I did send a card on her bday as well.) A few years after my dad died, I did not particularly care to remember that day and wouldn't necessarily appreciate a card reminding me.

Speaking of roadside memorials, I *think* that is more of a Mexican-rooted tradition. My grandparents planted a tree near the site of my dad's accident. Now hold onto your seatbelts - this is where it gets weird.....a few days ago (almost 15 years to the week that my dad was is in his fatal accident).....his first cousin - someone we've been close to our entire lives - was in a near-fatal accident at the same. exact. intersection. Things looked real bad at first, but he's pulled through so far, though too early to tell the extent of damage. Please keep him in your thoughts.

[oct2189]

The only flowers I've ever left at a gravesite was a single rose. Pink for my grandmother, and yellow for a dear friend.
That being said, I do think a card to the loved ones is a lovely way to say that you're thinking of their deceased loved one and them.

[Beth]

I think the orphanage's project is a very nice idea -- something with a personal connection, but I can see how you want to explain it in the right way.

I've already given the card, so I hope what I said was received as intended. The Heifer print online card said something about the gift bringing joy, which I did not feel was appropriate, so I managed to find some images (I used the ark drawing as a generic and thought the dove offered a sense of hope and peace, and the animals around the ark were kid friendly), copied them into a word document, added text explaining the particular gift I chose from their website and then their logo. I personalized it by saying that we'd made the donation to pay tribute to his short life and to give hope to both the lives he touched and those the gift would touch - that we hoped they would find comfort in knowing this legacy would live on. That's how I tried to explain it. Hope that helps.

[jjsooner73]

Originally Posted by jellyben

Maybe it's just me, but I think of the gravesite as somewhere for the people that are very close to the deceased would visit, so might find it disconcerting that someone not very close to the deceased was there. I would opt for a card or flowers sent to the home.

As far as fresh vs. real, I would go with real-it just seems more special to me.

I know I found it touching when a childhood friend tells me that her family (2 boys, one barely younger than my nephew was) visits my nephew's grave when she is town. I know that is weird to some, and I can't completely explain it, but just the fact that she remembers. Yes, she could remember him in many other ways too.

Originally Posted by avariell

This is such a personal thing - obviously everyone has really different opinions

I think it is so considerate and sweet that you are remembering the child. I think sending a card to the family is the best thing to do. I also think maybe making a donation like Beth and maybe others suggested would be nice. Honestly anything you do will be well-received I think.

I agree with this.
I used to send mums to my nephew's grave site on the anniversary of his death, and then my mom would take them home and plant them after several days.

Other relatives/friends will leave little trinkets--teddy bears, toy cars (he loved them), I used to do pin wheels (another love of his) but the Oklahoma winds were just too harsh so I gave up on that.

I've also left an arrangement of fake (sorry Beth ) flowers at a cousin's grave site in Tulsa when I was there on business and didn't have much time to spare but found a Michael's nearby. Next time I know I'll be up there, I plan to order flowers from a nearby flower store I found. I thought at that point in time, fake was better than nothing. He died in 1982, his dad lives out of state now, and I hated how ... dull his grave site looked. I know my uncle appreciated that I did anything.

I've also just sent a card to a friend on the anniversary of her son's birthday. He was a preemie and lived 12 days.

[Beth]

It's okay, Jen. Under the circumstances, it wasn't a bad decision, even in my book. Just don't expect them from me unless you let me know in writing that they are the only remembrance you would want.

The couple here lost their son after a similar amount of time. I know it was about 2 weeks, but not sure of the exact date he was born. It's so sad to get an announcement of a memorial service for one so tiny.

[Blissful_in_TX]

Originally Posted by Beth

I personalized it by saying that we'd made the donation to pay tribute to his short life and to give hope to both the lives he touched and those the gift would touch - that we hoped they would find comfort in knowing this legacy would live on. That's how I tried to explain it. Hope that helps.

That it helpful, thanks. I'll keep it in mind for future condolences as well.

[TKay]

Originally Posted by Blissful_in_TX

Now hold onto your seatbelts - this is where it gets weird.....a few days ago (almost 15 years to the week that my dad was is in his fatal accident).....his first cousin - someone we've been close to our entire lives - was in a near-fatal accident at the same. exact. intersection. Things looked real bad at first, but he's pulled through so far, though too early to tell the extent of damage. Please keep him in your thoughts.

Oh, how awful! I'm so sorry. Glad things are looking up though. Wow.

[JHaris]

Originally Posted by Missi

I couldn't agree more! I absolutely hate roadside memorials.

I also agree strongly. There is a road side memorial on Rt 45 near State College that gives me the willies every time I happen to pass by. I am sure that it was placed there with great sorrow for the person who was killed. However, seeing a bycycle painted all white against a small cross with white flowers next to the wheel by the roadside scares me since all my children and DH go out training on their bikes. And I have seen so many near misses. Not to digress on another subject from this original thread, I apologize, but had to mention how I feel.

DH's family all make trips to grave sites in Hungary with fresh flowers. The fake ones I see look so "tired and worn" which don't seem to honor the person. There, they allow planting by the grave which I think is a constant living gesture.

[Shugness]

Roadside memorials bother me too - the elaborate ones can be distractions that potentially lead to another fatal accident If they're on the state right of way DOT is supposed to remove them. I remember a family had a big boulder painted as a memorial for their family member who died on I-85, and they went and put it out on the shoulder where the accident happened. They weren't really happy when it was removed.

As for the original question though - I've only visited one grave site - my husbands step father. I never thought to leave anything, but since you brought it up, I think my MIL would really be touched if we left something. I'm not sure how often she visits though, whether it would be often enough to even realize. I would go for a real flower because it's my personal preference.

[armel]

Well, I guess I am in the minority. My family always buys nice artificial flowers to leave on the graves of family members. We also leave flowers at the roadside where my niece was killed.

So for me, I think everybody grieves in different ways and what I think or what others think isn't going to tell you what your friends and grandmother thinks.