Keeping in touch with parents...

[SusanMac]

OK, so the next question (for those of you who talk every day....which blows my mind!)...what the heck do you talk about? My life just isn't that interesting and neither is my mother's :-)

[KimE]

Let me just start by saying, I really, really miss my Mom. We use to talk every day, she has been gove for 20 years now, I was 26 when she died and really needed her advise, Heck I still do!
My DH's parents are gone also, we have my Dad who I just put into assisted living so I go see him 2-3 times a week.

Now for me as a parent of grown children. I do not call them, I know but I have always said for them to call me. We have 3 DD's and they are all busy doing what ever and I tell them call me, call me when ever. They pretty much know my schedule and I never know where they are, if they are busy, if they can talk and so on. They call at least 2 times a week, well that is at least 2 of them do. The 3rd one NEVER calls and it drives me crazy! I have called so many times I felt like I was stalking her I know she is really, really busy but from her Facebook page she has tons of time to post on and take all those quizes you would think she could take 32 seconds and at least call her Dad, she is my step daughter but we raised her and yes we have a great relationship when we talk or she comes home.
The girls laugh and say I should call more often and I tell them once again they are much more busy then I am and when I do call them sometimes I feel like I am interupting them and I hate that.
After reading all the posts maybe I should call them more often

Kim

[Canice]

Kim, when they answer can you ask if it's a bad time? My mom started every conversation with, "I won't keep you because I know you're busy" - even though most of the time I really wasn't. But of course she was just trying to be considerate, so no biggie.
When she was living out of state we probably talked once or twice a week. When she moved back and was living alone she called every morning to let me know she was alive. Always on my land line since I was rarely home, and if I was, often couldn't hear the phone. She just wanted to leave the message. Most days I called back at some point just to say hello.

[Natasha]

I talk with my mom every day on the phone, often more than once. Not long conversations, but something. The only time we skip it is on some vacations or business trips.

My husband talks to my mom on the phone maybe once a week, or he chimes in when I'm on the phone with her.

I / we visit her maybe once every couple of months and she also visits us periodically for a few days, which is really nice (although we do occasionally clash because I have my way of doing things in my house and she still likes to tell me what to do - her mother's prerogative ). Nothing serious

My dad died many years ago but I still very much miss him. Was just smiling this morning as I drove into work, as I remembered something funny he used to say. He's still a part of us.

[LakeMartinGal]

When my folks were alive, we probably talked once a month or so. For a while, DM lived fairly close, but we still didn't see her much - we didn't have much of a relationship. I was way closer to my dad.

DH's dad and step-dad are gone, but I talk to DMIL once a week, when I'm driving home from grocery shopping! I miss it when she's not at home (like today). If she initiates the call, we hear about it. We are ALWAYS supposed to do the calling!

With our grown daughters - well, one lives here, so she only calls to say when she'll be home for dinner. The other one lives in SF, and she does most of the calling... but we keep in touch via email and sometimes, facebook.

[ljt2r]

As Josie has already said, I am quite close to my family. Well maybe she did not say *I* am, but I am. Some weeks my mom and I talk every day, some weeks it is 1x/week. My talks with my dad are more erratic, but I can call on him for anything. I am home to stay for a few days every 6 weeks plus big occasions (xmas, parties, etc). 6 weeks bc I kept my hairdresser and dentist in Columbus! (I am 2 hours away.) Kids get babysat for free, grandparents get to see kid, win/win all around, esp with Josie there although that will be changing--NOT to make you feel guilty or anything, Josie.

How little DH talked to his family was a huge source of stress to me when we first started going out. I mean he loved them and thought he was close to them but never spoke to them--I don't mean to come off as judgmental but I don't get that. A couple visits and it was obvious to me his 2 sibs talked to each other way more than him and it was also obvious to me they noticed. I have slowly worked at him and since having kids especially I will suggest he call home if it has been 4-5 days and he has not. Ironically he complains his mom has a bad phone personality--and she has complained the same to me about him! I want to snort and say hey you raised him, Lady, but of course I do not. Every now and then I call them and chat--I can tell they appreciate it, they get full blown grandkid stories instead of just "Alex had her first haircut, it went fine." kind of stuff.

[Lauren]

Interesting thread. I talk to my mom every day, some days multiple times. She drives me nuts, but I love her. My parents have been divorced since I was 8. I was estranged from my dad and he recently died. That's a whole different story.

I'm VERY close to DH's parents and call them every few days. I probably bother them. Occasionally DH will talk to them.

My mom and in-laws live about an hour away, so we don't see them often. Maybe monthly.

Funny, but my FIL was never a phone person. Very abrupt. But since he retired, we can chat for 15 minutes or so on the phone. And especially when MIL is out.

[ChristyMarie]

Well as my mother just temporarily moved in with us....

Normally my mom and I email a couple of times a day and she spends just about every weekend here. Prior to having a child we'd talk a couple of times a week. We'll see how much we talk by the end of this forced cohabitation! (her house just flooded. twice.)

DH's parents don't speak to us anymore.

[tbb113]

I talk with my mom and step-dad (if he answers the phone) a couple of times a week and email in between the non-important silly stuff.

I talk with my dad about once every 6 weeks or so and email as needed. We obviously do not have a close relationship and at this point I don't think we ever will.

OK, so the next question (for those of you who talk every day....which blows my mind!)...what the heck do you talk about? My life just isn't that interesting and neither is my mother's :-)

It can be a quick call...just checking in to make sure you are okay. Not a long involved phone call.

[Kiwismommy]

Wow! How interesting! I will start out saying that my first born is a married son with a 7 month old daughter and our daughter and her husband have a 3 year old daughter and a 5 day old son. Both families live in our city and DD and I speak anywhere from 1 - 3 times a day. DS and I speak a couple of times a week.

DH phones his parents every Saturday at noon....if he doesn't they worry. They also live in the same city and hubby is over at their home weekly doing work. They are 97 and 92 (and have been married for 72 years )

Prior to my Mom's health issues (she is in a secured long-term-care facility for dementia) we spoke daily.

I have one sibling, a brother, who lives out of town, who rarely made contact with my Mom. DH's 3 siblings are in weekly contact with their parents.

Every family is so different.

[Canice]

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie

Well as my mother just temporarily moved in with us....

No, you don't have enough booze.
Oops! Wrong thread!

[JackieO]

Originally Posted by Canice

No, you don't have enough booze.
Oops! Wrong thread!

Canice -- YOU are BAD!

Back to the telephone thread.

Blazedog and I are of a similar demographic -- grew up at a time when long-distance phone service was expensive. During my first job after graduating from college, I had some sort of state-wide unlimited plan that allowed me unlimited minutes from my rotary-dial phone after 10 pm and before 8 am. I called my folks every morning at 7:30 to say "hi" before walking to work! (Yes, people. You can be employed and not really commute.)

Family all scattered to the winds several years later, and except for a three-year period in the 1980s when my sister, mom & dad and DH & I lived in Denver, the family norm came to be that I placed a call every Sunday night to check in with the 'rents. My dad died in 2003, but I never really talked to him on the phone much because of his hearing loss. My son grew up talking to his grandma every Sunday night, and now that he's in college, he occasionally remembers to call her (usually after I send him a text to say "call g-ma").

I talked to Mom on Sunday night; she called me Monday to thank me for her birthday gift that arrived that day, and I'll call her tomorrow -- her actual, 88th birthday!

I keep in touch with my sister, only sibling, via e-mail mostly, accompanied by sporadic phone calls.

We are not chatty phone people in my family. And I have to admit, I sort of resent my friends who want to engage me on the phone!

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by Canice

No, you don't have enough booze.
Oops! Wrong thread!

ROFL!!! I knew I didn't have enough!

[clairea]

This is an interesting thread.

I live in a different state than my parents. I usually talk to my mom 2-3 times a week. My dad and I are really close, but we probably only talk on the phone once every 2-3 weeks. He still works and is away from home during the week (so I don't catch hime when talking to my mom) and during the week it is hard for us to catch up with work, me running the kids around in the evenings, time differences, etc. I do also keep in touch with both of my parents via email, and text my mom. Actually, my mom texts me a lot more than I text her, but I love getting up in the morning to messages like "Happy Thursday! Hope you have a good day!". She also texts DS now that he has a cell phone. For phone calls, we both initiate calls, although my mom probably does call me a bit more often than I call her.

DH talks to his dad every day, at least once a day. This was a huge adustment for me when we first got married. He also talked to his sister at least once a day before she passed away. I think they started this when his mom died, and have just kept it up. They don't usually talk for long, but just check in with each other for a few minutes. It's about half and half about who initiates the call.

[Chefzhat]

I speak to my parents every couple of days, and see them every two weeks or so. Now that I've bought them cell phones and put them on my family plan, I hear from them a lot! Because it's free, you know. Who knows what we talk about - just gab about all sorts of stuff: what's on the news, who they saw at coffee that morning, who died in my old hometown, etc.

Oldest DS is at college and we skype with him every Sunday evening. I LIVE for Sunday evenings. He will text me occasionally too. Youngest ds still lives here, and will often text me from his room.

DH talks with his kids a couple of times a month, I talk with them at least once a week. I'm a yakker though. I like talking to them!

[leightx]

My parents live 3 hours away, and I'm an only child, so there's no one to help "spread the wealth." I talk with my mom about 2-3 times a week, depending on what is going on. I wouldn't mind chatting with her more often, but then she'll usually start repeating the same stories. We usually talk for 15-30 minutes, and I can keep pretty well caught up with all of her friends, my dad, random people I don't know from her church, the movie she saw, the little girl that was cute in the grocery store, and everyone that got married / died / found a job / divorced / or is pregnant in my hometown, in that amount of time. She's also on Facebook, so she gets to catch up with the kids' pictures and things on there.

I talk to my dad when mom isn't home, or when I have a specific question. He's fun to talk to on the phone, but isn't a chatter like my mom. He does email me a few times a week.

DH talks to his mom maybe a couple of times a month, usually for a specific reason. She has 2 daughters that get the bulk of her calls.

[SusanMac]

Originally Posted by Chefzhat

Youngest ds still lives here, and will often text me from his room.

ROTFLMAO! That's great!

[Chefzhat]

Originally Posted by SusanMac

ROTFLMAO! That's great!

I know, right? Last night he texted me three times. In order, for your reading pleasure:

Him: Is there any cake up there?
Me: Yes, want a slice?
Him: Yuss.
Me: Come on up
Him: Ummmm, Im buzy bring it down.

BIG PAUSE, SILENCE FROM ME

Him: J/K haha b rite there

___________

I'm going to miss that one when he goes to college!! Such a riot!

[Vanessa]

My in laws live out of state 7 plus hrs away. DH is close to his parents and he talks several times a week I also call in between or she will call me to chat. Since they are older I keep track of how are things by phone (they are not into computers). My DIL came to visit briefly recently with BIL & nephew. They used to visit more but with health problems etc they don't travel much.
It seems DH calls his brothers unless something happens (accidents death problems) But DH tries to call them & keep in touch.
My parents are doing ok & they moved to our state some yrs ago and we moved closer to them (10 miles) a few yrs ago too. We saw them Mon but I call them every morning just to check how are things. We talk a few times during the day if theres something going on. But I have always been close to my parents & DH to his. My brother's situation is diff he visits maybe 1 a yr with his kids (my parents) and calls very infrequently. It has always upset my parents but I think by now they have come to accept things.Still they feel neglected.

[cchhbb]

I talk to my mom daily since her retirement 6 years ago. Before that I spoke to her several times a week. Generally, I call as I have free long distance and my parents don't. I remember working on an international assignment right out of grad school and being told that you could only call your spouse on the company dime daily. I told my boss that I wasn't married and I was going to call my mom a few times a week. He thought it was funny and suggested that I call his mother for him.

I speak to my dad when he answers the phone and says Your mother's not home now. Occassionally, we will have a conversation though. He rarely calls though.

We do talk as a family several times a day on Saturday during football season. We spend a lot of time during the fall talking about our team. My parents now live in Ohio and I live in Atlanta.

DH and his parents rarely talk on the phone. He will reach out ever few months, but they only call if something is going on. They didn't even call on DS1's birthday this year.

Cheryl

[swedish cook]

Originally Posted by Chefzhat

I know, right? Last night he texted me three times. In order, for your reading pleasure:

Him: Is there any cake up there?
Me: Yes, want a slice?
Him: Yuss.
Me: Come on up
Him: Ummmm, Im buzy bring it down.

BIG PAUSE, SILENCE FROM ME

Him: J/K haha b rite there

___________

I'm going to miss that one when he goes to college!! Such a riot!

Oh, you must be the creater of the cartoon "Zits"!

As for phone calls, we are "the parents" and both daughters live in other states. Right now we get weekly calls from DD2 after each doctor's visit. New grandbaby should be here before Christmas and we are anxious for "progress reports" which she is all so eager to share. Otherwise we would communicate by phone or e-mail about every 2 weeks even if it varies a lot. We know they are busy with work and family and we never, ever want to do unto them what was done unto us. There was a time when our own parents demanded long weekly calls even if we'd rather not listen to all the complaints and accusations at transatlantic rate$$$$

[LakeMartinGal]

Originally Posted by swedish cook

There was a time when our own parents demanded long weekly calls even if we'd rather not listen to all the complaints and accusations

I can so relate to this! When I was in college, then newly married, I'd call my folks every Sunday, and most of the time, they'd be talking (discussing and disagreeing) with each other! I remember asking them if they ever talked to each other without me on the 3rd phone!

[ljt2r]

Originally Posted by LakeMartinGal

I can so relate to this! When I was in college, then newly married, I'd call my folks every Sunday, and most of the time, they'd be talking (discussing and disagreeing) with each other! I remember asking them if they ever talked to each other without me on the 3rd phone!

OK so here is a question for everyone: something I notice a lot of my friends' parents do, and DH's parents do also (but not with me bc I cannot stand it and I think they have figured that out ) is both parents talk to the kid at the same time. Why? How can you have a meaningful conversation that way? Am I crazy? Any parents on the board who do that and would like to explain? They used to do that with my kids (my ILs) but I finally told them I was certain it was one of the reasons they never understood her nor she them (she was 2-3 YO at the time).

[sneezles]

Originally Posted by Canice

When she was living out of state we probably talked once or twice a week. When she moved back and was living alone she called every morning to let me know she was alive. Always on my land line since I was rarely home, and if I was, often couldn't hear the phone. She just wanted to leave the message. Most days I called back at some point just to say hello.

The more I hear about your relationship with your mother the more I envy it.

When I was in school I called once a week and it sort of carried over to the rest of my life. My mother would call only if she was coming to visit. Over the years of raising the boys and all their activities I would occasionally forget to call...seems she would mention that to one of my sisters but never to me and she would never call to see if everything was okay.

DH would need reminders to call his mother after his father died. But he's gotten better Of course, his mother would only call when she needed something and the woman never says good-bye just hangs up!!!

As for my kids, they check in once a week if they aren't living in the same town (when they were away at school) though the youngest is pretty bad about it. We do text though so he considers that the same thing.

[sneezles]

Originally Posted by ljt2r

Any parents on the board who do that and would like to explain?

Only when DS#3 calls because I hate for him to repeat himself to the typical questions (how are you, how are classes going, need anything). If he really needs to talk to either of us he calls our cells rather than the house phone, like last week when he spent a bit too much on his epee gear.

[swedish cook]

Originally Posted by ljt2r

OK so here is a question for everyone: something I notice a lot of my friends' parents do, and DH's parents do also (but not with me bc I cannot stand it and I think they have figured that out ) is both parents talk to the kid at the same time. Why? How can you have a meaningful conversation that way? Am I crazy? Any parents on the board who do that and would like to explain? They used to do that with my kids (my ILs) but I finally told them I was certain it was one of the reasons they never understood her nor she them (she was 2-3 YO at the time).

If the caller tells us a long, detailed and exciting story about travel or other events then it's easier if we both listen at the same time.

[JulieM]

Thanks all for participating in this thread--it was very interesting and exactly the feedback I was looking for!

[stefania4]

Originally Posted by ljt2r

OK so here is a question for everyone: something I notice a lot of my friends' parents do, and DH's parents do also (but not with me bc I cannot stand it and I think they have figured that out ) is both parents talk to the kid at the same time. Why? How can you have a meaningful conversation that way?

It's extremely rare when I ask them to be on the phone at the same time. In fact, in 20 years it has happened thrice: when my best friend's father (who they knew very well) died suddenly; when I got engaged; and when I found I needed some more serious surgery. They just seemed like the kinds of things one should tell both parents and not one or the other.

[stefania4]

Originally Posted by swedish cook

We know they are busy with work and family and we never, ever want to do unto them what was done unto us. There was a time when our own parents demanded long weekly calls even if we'd rather not listen to all the complaints and accusations at transatlantic rate$$$$

That's my grandparents. Honestly, I could call every single day for an hour and they'd still be "neglected" because "no one ever calls."

[LakeMartinGal]

Originally Posted by ljt2r

OK so here is a question for everyone: something I notice a lot of my friends' parents do, and DH's parents do also (but not with me bc I cannot stand it and I think they have figured that out ) is both parents talk to the kid at the same time. Why? How can you have a meaningful conversation that way? Am I crazy? Any parents on the board who do that and would like to explain? They used to do that with my kids (my ILs) but I finally told them I was certain it was one of the reasons they never understood her nor she them (she was 2-3 YO at the time).

Do you mean that they both talk at the same time, or are they just on the phone at the same time? We are all on the phone together, but usually, DH and I are just listening to the stories. She (DD1) will call the house to catch us both, but she'll call the cell phones, if she wants to talk to someone particular. DH's whole family does the "everybody on the phone at the same time" thing at Christmas! You're right, Laura. No meaningful conversation there at all!