On aging and friendship

[foodfiend]

I recently had a certain birthday (It went fine though I'm a little shocked to be as old as I am). I've been taking stock of things, and one thing that has surprised me has been my friends/friendships.
I keep in touch with a lot of people that I know from childhood. In recent years (post-35), we've gone through things like divorce, career changes, financial squeezes, illness in the family. Normal life changes. I always thought i knew these people well, and it surprises me how much I actually don't.
For example, one friend was someone I could always turn to in hard times. He's gone through problems recently, but he'll never admit to them. Everything is always under control. He never has problems at work, his children are perfect. I can't talk to him anymore because I don't trust what he says.
Changes bring out different sides to people. Intellectually I know this, but it's strange to experience.

[ChristyMarie]

We've recently (last 3 years or so) backed off on several very long friendships and just don't really seek out those people anymore. They've changed. Too much for us to still like who they are.

I think we are constantly evolving and it just makes sense that those around us my evolve in a way that no longer coincides with where we are in our lives.

[Angelina]

Originally Posted by foodfiend

For example, one friend was someone I could always turn to in hard times. He's gone through problems recently, but he'll never admit to them. Everything is always under control. He never has problems at work, his children are perfect. I can't talk to him anymore because I don't trust what he says.
Changes bring out different sides to people. Intellectually I know this, but it's strange to experience.

Just wondering...do you mean you can not trust him because he claims everything is peachy when you know he is having problems in his life? If so, I think you should give him a break. I am a very private person. My job is hell, I go to work crying every day, but outside of me writing this here and now, I do not talk about it with anyone, besides saying I have a stressful job. I realize that as a friend you might want to be able to help him or at least listen to him vent, but he probably feels nobody can help him. Or he just does not want to relive and rehash his problems when he is away from a particular situation.

And if he is always there for you, you don't want to lose that!

[wallycat]

Between privacy and ego, there are many reasons people change or don't share as much or pretend things are better.
I am sure it is similar to someone who has been very successful with a weight loss or exercise program and has regained the weight...not that they don't like their friends, they just feel as if they have failed. Few people share, brag, discuss their failures with others. ...especially men. Society seems to think men are much strong than women and they feel , for some silly reason, compelled to keep up the bravado. Be there for your friends and accept the changes. If the changes are too much to handle, then maybe the friendship has run its course.
Best to you and your friend!

[foodfiend]

I put this example in a much rosier light than I meant to.
I used to think he was merely private, which was I respected. But in recent years, stuff has gone on, and he will go to extremes to protect his self-image, like lie or say things that hurt people (think: bad boss). He won't admit to himself that he doesn't have everything under control. As I said, I didn't realize this about him before.
But this is one example. I have other friends who turned out to be different (not better or worse, just different) people than I thought they were, and I had known them for over 20 years.

[jem927]

Food,

I think you and I are sharing a brain right now! With the b-day that just rolled around, I have been doing the same thing.

There are several "friends" that I have stayed in touch with over the years, that I am now seeing similar patterns, and I find it somewhat disturbing. They really aren't the person that I knew, or thought that I knew. At at certain point in your life, one has to "grow up", put their "big girl (or boy) pants" and deal with life. Thats just my opinion, for what it is worth.

I'm also seeing alot of people that bring WAY too much drama into their lives, and then all they do is complain about it. Life is sometimes complicated enough - you don't need to create more issues.

Personally, I am trying to simplify my life and bring more peace to it, so I am finding myself distancing the relationships. I will stay in touch with them, but not to the degree that I have. It just doesn't "work" with where I am trying to take my life. On the other hand, I am really focusing on bringing more people into my life that have similar goals, etc.

Just my 2 cents....

Jamie

[EmptyNestMom]

I am going to try to be philosophical...

I think friendships are made and based on experiences you are going through and as your life changes your friends change...I don't mean that you discard friends but someone else becomes closer and a close friend may become an acquaintance friend...

Your friend may be the same person he always was but now you don't need him around in the same way and what you needed from him before you don't need now and you are looking at him differently and seeing what you turned a blind eye to in the past.

OK, maybe I make some sense and maybe I don't...I do think we all have friends that will fall farther from us as our life and life experiences change.

[SusanMac]

EmptyNest - I think that makes total sense. We all evolve, and friendships evolve. Even long-term close friendships.

I was going to say that I hope I've changed over the past 20 years! I mean, we should always be changing, growing, learning, etc. So, in this instance, it may be him. It may be you. Or it may be both of you. Either way, it sounds like you may no longer be a fit. You might stay in touch, but he will no longer be the person you turn to & rely on when things are tough in your life.

I've found that my tastes/interests in what makes a good friend have changed over the years, as well. The personalities & what I value in someone has changed.

[TKay]

I absolutely agree with the previous few posters. People change. We change. Our likes and dislikes change. I was really good friends with a girl in college. We remained friends for years. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that it was mostly out of obligation and I no longer enjoyed her company. In fact, she made me feel bad about myself. I was fine with her when I was younger. In fact, I really enjoyed her company. But as I got older, I found her intolerable. We no longer see each other.

Change is part of life. Sometimes, a major milestone will help us reevaluate and really measure the change.

Happy belated birthday, btw!

[HejazSunKat]

Originally Posted by foodfiend

He's gone through problems recently, but he'll never admit to them. Everything is always under control. He never has problems at work, his children are perfect. I can't talk to him anymore because I don't trust what he says.

He's doing a disservice to himself. I've tended to be chirpy too: "Oh, I'm fine! Everything's Great! No, I don't need any help!" until a wise friend said to me that my superwoman complex, i.e. thinking I can do and control everything myself, pushed people away. A pithy observation eh? By not letting people help you you distance yourself from others. It's really difficult and scary to be vulnerable, to surrender (another great word/concept I recently got from another friend) control but I think it's important to try and let people in if you want to have satisfying relationships. Not saying I've mastered that!

[foodfiend]

He doesn't want to be vulnerable at all. It's beyond "I don't need any help." It's more like "How dare you suggest I need help? You're the one with problems." He's always had this side, but issues really brought it out in a nasty way. I guess I changed too because I refuse to accept this.

[shoezoo]

Friendships change and we change as we get older. My Dh, who is 11 years older than I am has always told me that the older we get the less we seem to spend time with our friends and appreciate time with each other. I've found this to be very true. I think we all seem to get more set in our ways and enjoy more alone time. I'm only 47 and my dh is 58 so I think it is still a gradual change. I think we just need to accept it at that and continue to look for the good in these realationships.

[BucknellAlum]

I have been thinking about this post a lot. While I am very comfortable doing things by myself, and I spend a lot of time with my family and DH, sometimes I feel like other women out there all have wonderful, so-close-we-could-be-sisters friendships going. You know, the kind of friendships that Oprah celebrates ( ) or Redbook magazine writes about ("10 ways to have a spa day with your BFF!"). And I don't really feel like I have those kind of friendships at this point in my life now.

Like foodfiend, I too have some lifelong friends whom I don't see as much these days. We have chosen very different lifestyles and I guess have different priorities. They never have any time to get together, and I really miss having the 3 of us hanging around. They both work FT, while I work PT, their kids are in at least 3 or 4 activities that need chauffeuring at night/weekends, while my kids are more limited in outside activities and spend more time doing things at home. So I understand that they have precious little time for their families or themselves, and I do sort of understand why we can never get together.

But I am at the point where I have (mentally) left the ball in their court. The last time I talked to one (who only called because her cell accidentally dialed me) I told her I was pretty free to get together anytime, just let me know what works for her. And I haven't heard back. It's just kind of sad.

I certainly have lots of friends and acquaintances that I see and have lunch with, etc. Just don't see myself having those ultra-close friendships that I imagined. But maybe they are in the minority and most people really just have a nice circle of friends, nothing more. And my DH is my best friend, so I wouldn't trade that relationship for anything.

[foodfiend]

Bucknell Alum -- I know the kind of situation you're describing. I don't think you're losing out at all. I'm very independent, and I have close friends, but I don't have the conventional girly-girl relationships where we go to a spa together. If I can't find someone, I just go alone. Lots of people can't do that or are afraid to. One way is not better than the other, just different.

[Lucinda]

I've come to realize that relationships and friendships can have lifespans, some longer than others. So I've gotten alot more comfortable about letting go of friendships that seem to have run their course and not tried to keep them artificially alive.

On the other hand, I've had two long term friendships where suddenly we've "rediscovered" one another. A friend I've known since she was two and I was four has grown into such an amazing woman and we now have far more in common than we did when we were kids and were friends mostly because our moms were friends. It has been a wonderful experience having our friendship evolve.

[LakeMartinGal]

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie

We've recently (last 3 years or so) backed off on several very long friendships and just don't really seek out those people anymore. They've changed. Too much for us to still like who they are.

I think we are constantly evolving and it just makes sense that those around us my evolve in a way that no longer coincides with where we are in our lives.

We are, unfortunately, finding this with one couple as well.

The old saying is that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It's difficult to let go of the 'reason' and 'season' people, but it makes the lifetime ones more precious!
And sometimes, we are wrong as to which category they really fit into!

ETA that I've recently found a couple of girlfriends to share things with! It's really fun to have people to "go and do" with. One of them is part of a couple that DH and I like to be with! This, after 10 years of acquaintances!

[TKay]

Originally Posted by BucknellAlum

But maybe they are in the minority and most people really just have a nice circle of friends, nothing more.

My best friend and I say that we each have a circle of friend.

[SusanMac]

Bucknell - I think the magazines/Oprah/etc pump up those relationships more than reality. It makes for great articles. I do tend to border on the introverted side. However, for most people I know, their DH is their best friend, and GFs are just regular friends. Not the type that Oprah talks about. We all know that Oprah & Gayle aren't normal people living normal lives anyway :-)

TKay - LOL!

[ktg0930]

Originally Posted by LakeMartinGal

The old saying is that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It's difficult to let go of the 'reason' and 'season' people, but it makes the lifetime ones more precious!
And sometimes, we are wrong as to which category they really fit into!

ETA that I've recently found a couple of girlfriends to share things with! It's really fun to have people to "go and do" with. One of them is part of a couple that DH and I like to be with! This, after 10 years of acquaintances!

The wrong category thing is something that I am experiencing now. I thought I had a lifetime friend and she's turned out to be a reason or a season person.

I would say that my DH is my best friend, but I still feel that I need a best girlfriend. There are just things that a girlfriend gets that DH doesn't. I know several women who have best girlfriend relationships that are like the magazine articles, even if DH is their best friend.

[HejazSunKat]

Originally Posted by foodfiend

He doesn't want to be vulnerable at all. It's beyond "I don't need any help." It's more like "How dare you suggest I need help? You're the one with problems." He's always had this side, but issues really brought it out in a nasty way. I guess I changed too because I refuse to accept this.

If he has to push back so vehemently on someone suggesting that he might need help with something he sounds scared or in denial or both. His saying you're the one with the problem is just projection. He's pushing people away to his own detriment which is just sad because to graciously accept a helping hand is strength not weakness.

On this whole topic of 'best friends'...I always think it's odd when I hear adults use that term because I don't think I've used that concept since grade school. I have alot of good friends and I'm close to each of them for different reasons but no single one of them is the all purpose, universal 'best' friend with which I share everything and do everything. I assumed people sort of outgrew that idea as they matured so I haven't really felt the lack. I guess my circle of friends functions as an aggregate best friend because I get and share something different with each of them.

[Canice]

Originally Posted by SusanMac

... for most people I know, their DH is their best friend, and GFs are just regular friends...

Interesting. That certainly makes sense, but it made me think of something I read a year or so ago (a legit study, not a subjective essay) that said that both men and women are more likely to name a woman as their best friend than a man.

Originally Posted by HejazSunKat

On this whole topic of 'best friends'...I always think it's odd when I hear adults use that term because I don't think I've used that concept since grade school. I have alot of good friends and I'm close to each of them for different reasons but no single one of them is the all purpose, universal 'best' friend with which I share everything and do everything. I assumed people sort of outgrew that idea as they matured so I haven't really felt the lack. I guess my circle of friends functions as an aggregate best friend because I get and share something different with each of them.

I understand your perspective, but I do have someone I've called "my best friend" for a long time. We met in high school and hit it off immediately. After college he moved away for some years, returning in 1994. And we found ourselves doing a lot together: lunch almost every day (we worked close to one another); walking home from work together, Saturday breakfast, etc. Yes, it's had moderate ebbs and flows, but he and I are both life-long singletons (even in my very long term relationship I had my own home). I love him for him, but the fact is, too, that the friendship built and grew because we both know we have that person we can call and not interrupt dinner, homework time, annoy a spouse, catch them on Little League night, etc. Which means more chatting, dinners out, etc. Which in turn means more shared info and time. If that makes sense.
So while I have several very close friends (and the nature of those friendships are pretty darned similar to one another), I do have a best friend.